5 Hard Truths I Learned After Divorce (That You Need to Hear)

What if I told you that the most painful chapter of my life became my greatest teacher? That I became the woman I am today because I experienced loss and heartache. That through this rediscovery, I attracted my Forever Love and have never been happier!

It may sound sappy, but it's the truth. As challenging as my divorce was to live through, it was exactly what I needed to reconnect with myself. Rediscovering myself amidst the challenges of the aftermath was one of the gifts for which I am grateful. The split forced me to take time to focus on myself. It pushed me to redefine who I was and wanted to be. It took me out of a comfort zone that wasn't all that comfortable and made me stretch what I wanted for myself.

And I learned a lot. I hope that by sharing some of my biggest lessons, I can inspire you to live in alignment with your true self. So here we go!

Lesson 1 - Be More Self-Aware

What I mean by that is get to know yourself really well before embarking on a new relationship. Do your deep work. We all have triggers. Do you know yours? If not, it is worth a trip down memory lane to understand why you react or behave as you do. Having that clarity means you are less susceptible to chaotic emotions and can control yourself better when life goes sideways. You make decisions rationally, not impulsively. That alone can save you lots of heartache! They say, "healer know thyself." I know from experience that it's excellent advice and not only for the healer!

Today, I know who I am, what makes me tick, and why I behaved the way I did, and I've been able to change how I approach my new relationship for the better!

Lesson 2 - Learn to Communicate Effectively

If you've read some of my other blogs, you know I could have been a better communicator. If I wasn't happy, I kept it to myself. I wasn't very good at setting boundaries or sticking to them. And when I did let it out, I had kept things inside for so long that the way I presented things only served to make him feel defensive and closed off. 

Today, if anything, I over-communicate. If I'm displeased about something, I may stew on it for a bit, but my goal is to ensure that I am transparent in what I want to say and how. I give myself a chance to cool off instead of behaving in a way that escalates. I'm also not afraid of asking questions or challenging him when I disagree. I learned the hard way how much damage keeping quiet can do. And I try not to make assumptions because you know what they say about assuming. It makes an @$$ of U and Me!

Lesson 3 - Don't Avoid Conflict

Conflict used to be a 4-letter word. I saw it as a sea of emotions from which nothing good could come. I used to get so carried away by my feelings that I couldn't string a sentence together, making me feel even worse. When I was growing up, conflict meant yelling, anger, and frustration, and I carried those feelings into my marriage.

Today, I see conflict for what it is: an opportunity to elevate the relationship. We can't be all rosy and happy all the time. Sometimes, we disagree but always look for an outcome that feels good to both of us. Sometimes, we need to take a break from the discussion, but we always come back to the table aiming to make it a win-win for both of us. I don't let things fester because that only poisons the relationship.

Lesson 4 - I Am Not His Mother

Oof…! That was a big one! I treated him like a child. I didn't feel secure enough in his ability to do things. One of my biggest regrets is trying to make things easier for him rather than empowering him and believing in him finding his way.

Today, we're supportive of each other, and more often than not, I step away and give him the space to figure it out. I can't say I'm 100% over it, but I am MUCH better than I used to be. He has a mother. It is not my job to replace her. My role is that of his partner.

Lesson 5 - Make Sure You’re Aligned

I thought we had similar values, but it turned out that, for the big stuff, we didn't! Here's an example: He was a spender who wasn't afraid of carrying debt (I'm not talking about mortgage, that's different). I loathe having debt. I had been taught never to carry credit card debt. He had no problem living on credit. I felt overwhelmed by the debt, and looking back, I know it was a significant contributor to our divorce. 

Today, my beau and I stay connected and make sure we're always aligned on our common goals by having a quarterly retreat. We go away for 3-4 days and focus on our relationship, our wants and needs, and our finances, and we make sure that we're on the same track. We share what's going well and not so well and have brutally honest conversations with each other. It doesn't always feel good, but we know that in the long run, it's healthier for us.

Final Words

I hope that you find these lessons helpful. And if you're coming out of a divorce and are looking for a supportive community, I invite you to join my FB group, "Brave New You." We'd love to have you!