5 Keys to Congruence and Authenticity

I recently started doing some research on leadership. I want to get a better feel for what qualities leaders need to embody in order to be not only good, but great leaders. I have learned from the people I have interviewed to date that two of those qualities are congruence and authenticity. They are hallmarks of great leaders and seem universal across genders.

There are different ways you can be congruent and they revolve around how well you know your strengths and weaknesses. The first is about being yourself. Are you behaving the way that you expect yourself to behave based on your values and whom you believe yourself to be? The second is the same, but around other people. Are you showing up as yourself with your friends, colleagues and others? And finally, are you able to adjust your style depending on the situation. Your circle sees a clear picture of whom you are, how they fit within the group and what their roles are. Bottom line is they are all about being authentically and unapologetically you, without pretenses, no matter what situation you're in and whom you are dealing with.

The importance of congruence and where it starts

Blair Singer said it perfectly; to be authentic, you have to be congruent, in what you think, say and do.

People with strong congruence and authenticity exude a certain magnetism that attracts people to them. It's not only that though. These two qualities are the cornerstone for building trust within any group (colleagues, friends or team) and without it, no matter how talented you might be as a leader, your ability to inspire others will be limited.

I remember an old boss of mine who was a micromanager. He would tell me he trusted me to do the right thing, but at the same time would be in my office double checking what I did (down to the wording of my emails) and would tell me when I didn't do things the way he would have done them. I grew to distrust him because he wasn't congruent with his actions. Interestingly, this boss wanted me to think he was a great leader, and I found him to be anything but.

We all have moments when we show up incongruent with whom we are. I remember being part of an online community once. I wanted desperately to be a part of the group, but I felt they lacked congruence. Because I was so determined to be part of this group, I myself showed up inauthentically. And I felt icky. I felt like we all feel when we go bowling and have to wear the same shoes everyone else wore before us. We do it because we have to, but they never really fit. Ultimately I walked away.

Being both congruent and authentic means you have to know yourself well enough, understanding your strengths and weaknesses to know when you are vulnerable. Allowing those around you to see your soft underbelly is not easy. It takes courage because it leaves you exposed.  When you are vulnerable and authentic, you open yourself to people seeing your true self, which opens you up to being rejected. While that risk is there, it can also bring you closer together and enhance that feeling of "we're in this together".

When I talk about vulnerability, I'm not only talking about displaying emotions, although that is part of it. I'm talking about recognizing when you don't know something, and leaving the door open for others to step in and shine. Being leaders doesn't mean you know everything there is to know about everything. It's about letting your subject matter experts, or other member of your team take the lead when they have experience dealing with a similar topic.

Why authenticity matters

People want authentic leaders who are true to themselves as they lead others. The need for authenticity is becoming more important today because of the overabundance of information available. We can easily fact check information from people today. The increase in demand for authentic leaders means the caliber of leaders must rise. People no longer want or have patience for leadership fakes.

We talk all the time about how "we are what we eat." When you take this saying literally, it is clear that what you put inside of yourself affects the way you feel and function. It is no different when it comes to leadership. Being authentic will not only help grow your self-awareness, but allow others to show up more often as their true self. That creates an environment where people share their views and ideas comfortably. You can develop stronger team connections by taking a look at your leadership style today as it relates to congruence and authenticity, and start making changes in favor of one that will allow you to show up more often as your true authentic self.

How to develop more congruence and authenticity

People are always striving to be the best versions of themselves. They want to live out their passions, show up as their best self in life and want to feel like they're making a difference in the world. However, there's one thing that can get in your way: being congruent with whom you truly are. Sometimes people put on an act for work or other social situations because it's easier than being authentic about whom they really are. But if you don't know yourself well enough then how can you make decisions that will bring you closer to living out your dreams?

Whether you are part of a large company, or the leader of your own business or even your family, your circle is depending on you to provide them with vision and direction. While there are many ways to develop more congruence and authenticity, I'd like to focus on the five that I've discovered through trial and error.

1. Get Clear!

The first thing is to do is the use one of the most powerful of the 6 High Performance Habits: clarity. Get clear on your values and principles. What drives you? What do you believe in? In order to know whether you are a good leader and what path you need to follow, you must know what your starting point is. This is one of the hallmark of high performers. They continually take stock of where they are, so they know if they are moving in the direction of their ideal self.

Once you know whom you are and what you stand for, be honest with yourself about what you want. When you are clear about what matters most to you, it is easier for your circle to see the "real" you. When they can clearly see how and what you think and feel, their respect and trust grows.

Finally, set growth goals that are achievable, but also stretch your limits a bit. If you feel you are not congruent or authentic, or that you could continue to do better, read, listen to podcasts, do some research, learn from those around you who exhibit those qualities. Just set a target for yourself and learn.

You might also want to ask yourself some probing questions, which can aid in developing your growth plan. Some of these should include:

• What are my strengths and weaknesses?
• Do I feel like I have to have all of the answers to questions that arise? Where is that coming from?
• Am I clear in my vision for the company, this project or my life and what I want out of it and how I want to be seen by others?
• Do I show up as a leader who is open to suggestions and feedback from others?
• Do people see and hear me as authentic? If not, how could I show them that I am being genuine in my leadership?

2. Practice self-compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness and care as you would those closest to you. Realize it's OK to make mistakes. I remember being in a meeting once where we had different functions come together to define the approach to a project. I'm not sure who I was that day, but I definitely did not show up as my best self. I was narrow minded, didn't give the floor to others to speak and got frustrated when people didn't just accept what I wanted to do - all hallmarks of a great leader, right....? I thought I had all the answers that day.

I knew the meeting had gone poorly. I realized what a colossal mistake I had made and got confirmation when a colleague had a chat with me about it later and I beat myself up for it. By the time the self-flagellation was over, I had learned that imposing my opinions on other people and not including them in the process doesn't build trust. It builds resentment and doesn't make people want to work with you. I had an honest discussion with each of them and we were able to move forward albeit cautiously.

3. Pay attention to how you are showing up in the world

Notice when you are being reactive or passive-aggressive. It's easy to do and recognize in others, yet we don't always recognize when we do it. Get in tune with things like whether or not you are overly sensitive to others and any suggestions they make, how you react when someone calls out a mistake or if you prejudge what someone is capable of doing.

Sometimes it is helpful to be engaged, listening and allowing the situation to play out with minimal intervention instead of jumping into the fray. People who are congruent with whom they are and show up authentically allow others their moment in the sun without feeling threatened. They don't always have to have the floor.

If you find yourself being reactive or worse, passive aggressive, make a conscious choice to behave differently.

4. Speak up when you disagree

How often have I not said something when I didn't agree, only to ruminate about it? If you are in an environment that has established trust and it is safe to do so, let your voice be heard!

Sometimes we're just afraid to speak up. If you have something on your mind, chances are others do as well. Giving the floor to others, so they feel they can share their opinions and bounce ideas off of each other or a leader is key. Going along with something you don't agree with when you either were not given or you didn't take the opportunity to speak your truth, could turn into resentment or bitterness over time.

5. Don't try to be someone you're not

You need to be willing and able to see yourself, warts and all before you can show up as your authentic self. To do so takes courage and strength but it will pay off in spades if you are being true to yourself in whom you are, what you stand for, and the vision you have for yourself or your company.

If we're not showing up as our authentic self, then others don't see us as credible. It is nearly impossible to convince someone of anything we are not utterly convinced of it ourselves.

I'll go back to the example of my boss from earlier. He could have talked until he was blue in the face to try to convince me that he trusted me, but that's not how he came across in action. Words are one thing, and people who do not know you may trust your words at first. However, if you are not able to walk the talk, eventually those words become empty and when you lack congruence in how you show up with others, it will be detrimental to the relationship.

Final thoughts

To show up with congruence is to be authentic. It takes courage, which in this case I'd define as the ability to acknowledge our weaknesses and vulnerabilities in order to connect honestly with others. When you are true to yourself, people trust you because they have seen that side of you before. They know that's who you are and it builds trust when they see that behavior again and again. Showing up with authenticity creates the kind of workplace where great leaders can emerge because their teams feel safe, comfortable and able to contribute their best work in an environment where people care about each other as much as they do about the outcomes.

And this is not only about work. It's about life as well. The more we are able to show up authentically, the deeper, more rewarding our relationships are and the greater impact we can make. What's one thing you can do this week to show up more congruently with whom you are and authentically for those around you?