Rewriting the Script: Using Affirmations to Thrive After Divorce

When I came out of my divorce, I felt unworthy, and I had been so focused on us as a couple and supporting him and his business that I was completely unsure of myself.

As I journeyed down my personal development, I discovered affirmations. I used them quite a lot to help me shift my thinking. I even recorded my own affirmations around the topics of money and weight loss. I found affirmations to be a great way to gently, without judgment, reprogram my mind. I like to think of it as a software update. The hardware (me) didn't change, but my software (my thoughts) was stuck in DOS, using DSL when I needed to operate on iOS and fiber optic. The old software was not compatible with my new reality.

Leading with Feeling vs. Leading with Thought 

Feeling -> Action -> Result -> Thought

Most people approach their life feelings first. Their feelings determine what action they will take. That action provides a result, which, in turn, determines their thoughts. That's like putting the cart before the horse! As Dan Millman said, "You don't have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop them from controlling you". So it's up to you to manage your thoughts. You are in charge, in command, in control, and very capable, so decide how you want to feel. Keeping those feelings positive will encourage an action that is likely to provide a positive result.

Thought -> Feeling -> Action -> Result

The key to a fulfilling life after divorce is recognizing how your thoughts shape your actions and outcomes. For example, you might avoid taking yourself out to dinner alone. You might feel self-conscious and worried that people might judge you for being by yourself (Feeling). You can let that insecurity stop you, staying at home and convincing yourself you aren't ready to enjoy life solo (Action and lack thereof). That choice could leave you feeling small, dependent on external validation, and stuck in a cycle of self-doubt (Result). Thoughts like 'I’m not enough on my own' or 'I’ll never feel whole again' might stay with you all day (Thoughts).

Instead, imagine yourself sitting at your favorite restaurant, savoring an expertly made meal, and realizing that you can create moments of joy just for YOU (Thought). Does this bring you a sense of curiosity and possibility (Feeling)? If so, wear an outfit that makes you feel good and go (Action). And if not, do it anyways. Once there, you might be surprised at the sense of peace, empowerment, and pride that you took a step to embrace your independence. Rinse and repeat. This will help you build your self-confidence knowing you can create happiness on your terms (Result)."

Our thoughts are like ruts on a country road. We create those by thinking the same things repeatedly, creating that groove in the mental path. If you've ever driven down a country road, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You have to choose your "lane" carefully to avoid big potholes and damage to your car. Negative thoughts are like those ruts. Once you go in one, getting out can take a lot of work. Every time you turn the wheel, the rut pulls you back in. 

When we start using affirmations, we slowly begin filling those lanes, and it becomes easier to get out of one lane/rut into another. By repeating new sayings, patterns, and would-be beliefs, we start to change and smooth over those ruts. And pretty soon, we can go on a completely different path altogether. That's the power of affirmations. 

But it's not just about saying positive things to ourselves. It's about believing that those things are true for us. And at first, it might be a question of "fake til you make it." While I'm not too fond of that saying, I think it is appropriate for this example. Why? Because if you've always had trouble holding on to money, you won't become a financial genius overnight simply by doing affirmations. But if you start saying affirmations and believing them, you can start behaving in a way that supports that belief. So, while you might not become a financial genius overnight, you might begin to feel called to take courses, read books, or attend seminars, all in an effort to learn and all because you start to see the possibilities for yourself. And soon, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you've recently found yourself divorced, I'd like to offer you some affirmations to get you started:

• I deserve to be happy and fulfilled
• Every day, I grow more confident and at peace with myself
• I let go of my past and embrace the possibilities ahead
• I attract healthy, loving relationships into my life
• I am proud of who I am becoming

I like affirmations so much that I recorded a short audio with these and more for you to enjoy. If you'd like it, all you have to do is click here.

Final Words

The thoughts we focus on are ultimately our choice. What thoughts are you holding on to that are keeping you stuck? What behaviors does this lead to? How does this affect your life in general? Divorce is hard enough as it is, with all of its challenges, difficulties, and obstacles.

Let's use our thoughts to our advantage and become our own best ally to excel in this new chapter of our lives. To close, I want to leave you with a quote that I love: "Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your unguarded thoughts" - Buddha

So be kind to yourself!