The Impact of Divorce on Friendships

When discussing divorce, we tend to talk about the impact on the couple going through the event, the children, if any, and the immediate and extended family. We seldom discuss the impact a divorce or the end of a long-term relationship might have on friends because they are on the periphery. But aren't friends the family we choose for ourselves? So today, I want to talk about and honor those who often walk side by side with us as we go through the end of our relationship and are there to offer help, support, and, when needed, a soft shoulder to cry on.

In my experience, we have 3 types of friends in our lives:

• The friends we have before being married.
• The friends he has whom we gain when we marry.
• The friends we make together as a couple.

When my ex and I divorced, I lost half my friends, but they were my "acquired" friends. The funny thing was we both came in with our friends, and we left the relationship with our friends, as we didn't really make any new friends as a couple. 

Having the right friends and being surrounded by people who loved me, cared for me, and wanted to support me made a huge difference in my life. And it wasn't just friends I was close to physically; it was also childhood friends and overseas friends. Knowing they were there and I could count on them was a blessing. The other blessing was not having kids; I could "make a clean getaway." Today, I want to share some ideas for navigating these changes with your friends in a way that honors you both.

What Are They Wrestling With?

While we are experiencing many different emotions, from regret to anger to relief and an assortment of other emotions, they are too, though not with the same intensity. You'll see they will deal with things in one of three ways. They'll get closer to you and offer support. Things won't change in your dynamic, or they'll leave the relationship altogether.

• They might be unable to handle the flow or intensity of your emotions and their own emotions.
• They may not know how to support you in a way that doesn't cause you more pain. 
• The support you need may feel overwhelming to them.
• They don't want to say the wrong thing and risk coming across as insensitive or making the situation worse.
• They may feel pulled in different directions and that they have to choose who to support. 
• If they are in a stable and loving relationship themselves, they may feel guilty about what you're going through.
• They may choose to walk away because they were the friends you "did stuff" with, and with the divorce, that dynamic is gone.

What Barriers Are You Unconsciously Putting Up?

You may be experiencing what's commonly known as 'support fatigue.' This is when you feel embarrassed or guilty about your newfound need to lean on your friends for support, which may inadvertently cause you to retreat, pull away, or isolate because you don't want to burden those around you. For us women who are used to caring for others and putting ourselves last, it is easy to fall into that trap. But, if there ever was a time when you needed to let that go and allow others to "carry you" for a bit, this is it! Of course, you also want them to support you in a way that respects your boundaries.

You may misinterpret someone's lack of responsiveness as a lack of empathy, a sign of rejection or judgment, which can cause friction because you live with heightened emotions.

There may be a mismatch between what you expect from them and what they can give as support.

Jealousy or resentment may surface at the friend who seems to have it all together or at least have what you've just lost.

All of these can create barriers, but it's easy to recognize the friends you can really count on. They offer unconditional support and empathy, standing by you through the good times and bad. My bestie was like that for me. We were that for each other, as I supported her through a rough patch in her life, too. We listened without judgment. We offered comfort when that was all we could do. We gave each other the space to heal and deal with our emotions, to be angry, cry, rage, vent, and all without judgment, but with a shoulder to share the weight.

Navigating Conversations and Boundaries

How do you avoid the mess of the divorce messing with your friendships? By clearly communicating your needs. If you know what would most serve you in your time of need, share that with them. You'll make their job easier. They'll be able to support you in exactly the way you need. For instance, you could say, "I'm struggling with my emotions right now. Could you help me by taking the kids to the park so I can get myself together?" or "I just need a good cry; could you be my strength?"

And there may be times when you want and need to be on your own to process. You'll want to be clear then, too. Please don't do what I used to do, which was to black out my apartment and not come out for a week, ignoring phone calls and texts. Say something like, "I appreciate you being there for me. Right now, I could use some time to process everything, but I would love to catch up next week." This way, they'll understand what you need without feeling hurt or confused about how to support you.

You may need to set healthy boundaries for those "friends" who might be more interested in gossip than genuine support. Protecting your emotional well-being by gently but firmly letting friends know what is and isn't okay is necessary. For instance, if a friend continually asks for details about your divorce that you're not comfortable sharing, you might say, "I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather not discuss those details right now. Let's focus on something else." By setting these boundaries, you create a safe space for yourself while guiding your friends on how to support you in the best way possible.

Final Words

The end of a relationship is difficult for everyone, including your friends. Be aware of what they may be going through, and communicate your needs. Lastly, don't take things personally. People are all doing their best; maybe this is a season of your life they are not meant to be a part of. Just as you have to move on from your relationship, remember there may also be friendships you have to move on from.