Drawing the Line: 3 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others” - Brené Brown

Here I was. It was 2 am. I had been in the office since before 8 am, and I was on a conference call.

I was working for an international company in Singapore. That meant I worked with Europe in the morning, my team in Asia during the day, and then the US in the evening! Like so many other days, it was a busy day, but particularly so.

I had been in back-to-back meetings all day and hadn’t built a window for me to go home at a decent hour. There were always evening calls, but for some reason, that day, I got stuck there! I never previously laid the groundwork for how long I would be there. I always assumed I would be there for as long as it took to get things done. Here’s the problem: there was always stuff to do!

Not having the proper boundaries in place meant I also began to feel increasingly burnt out, unfulfilled, and resentful. I was exhausted and felt disrespected, but I had no one to blame but myself!

That was an important lesson for me in setting boundaries, and one that took a long time to implement. I kept getting reminders that I needed to do this, but it wasn’t until I hit burnout that I drew the ultimate line in the sand and left my job.

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of self-care and maintaining healthy relationships. They are the limits we set for ourselves and others to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They help us to define what are and aren't acceptable behaviors in our interactions with others. They also allow us to build time in our schedules for the things that fill us up, make us happy, and enable us to feel like we’re working towards something bigger than ourselves.

But you see, I was a people-pleaser. It was more important to make sure others were taken care of than it was for me to take care of myself. I had all the wrong priorities in place. I have finally learned to draw my line in the sand with what I will accept and not accept. It was not easy, but it does make my life easier now. It also means that I am spending more time working toward meaningful ventures that make me feel like I am making a difference.

Here are 3 tips to support you in setting boundaries in your life.

1. Get clear about your needs, wants, and values

“Boundaries protect the things that are of value to you. They keep you in alignment with what you have decided you want in life. That means the key to good boundaries is knowing what you want” - Adelyn Birch

This helps you understand what you will and will not accept. This only works when you are honest with yourself about what you need so you can feel safe and respected in your relationships and live in alignment with the best of who you are and what you want to accomplish.

I encourage you to take some time to think about this. You may have been clear at one point, but is that still the case? Have your needs changed? Do you want different things in your life? Have your values evolved as you have grown and learned more about yourself?

What makes you happy? What brings you joy? What makes you come alive? Build those non-negotiable times in your calendar! These things will help you establish clear boundaries because you are making them a priority. They are also the things that help you feel fulfilled so that you can carry on.

2. Communicate them to others

“I set boundaries not to offend you but to protect myself” - Unknown

Once you know what you want in your life and what the guardrails to your sanity look like, let people know!

This can be challenging, especially if you are dealing with someone who is used to getting their way. It takes courage to be assertive and speak up for yourself, especially when you’re not used to that! Use "I" statements, such as "I need" or "I feel,” to express your needs and feelings.

It can be hard to tell your boss what your line in the sand is. That’s why you must establish the ground rules early in the relationship. That way, there is no second-guessing or no getting used to a particular behavior. Establish your ground rules, so you have peace of mind.

3. Be willing to compromise

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm” - Unknown

There will always be exceptional situations. However, they shouldn’t be the norm. It’s OK to compromise and be open to negotiation when the time calls for it.

Some boundaries should be set in stone. For example, for me, honesty is a boundary. It’s a line I won’t cross. My partner laughs at me because if I forget something at the bottom of the shopping cart, I’ll go back to pay for it. Boundaries around your safety are non-negotiable.

If you have a pastime you love, for example, rock climbing, prioritize it! There may be crunch time moments at work that require you to stay late, such as the day before a big client presentation. And that’s OK. Simply don’t make it a habit.

Remember this: you always have the right to say "no" and stick to your boundaries, even if others disagree.

Final Words

“No is a complete sentence” - Anne Lamont

Setting boundaries is a continuous process, and you are a human who grows through life, so re-evaluate and adjust them periodically. Know this; setting boundaries is not about being selfish or controlling. It’s about standing up for yourself, taking care of your needs, and respecting the needs and feelings of others.

It is a crucial aspect of your self-care and helps you maintain healthy relationships. It involves identifying your needs and values, communicating them assertively, being open to negotiation and compromise, and re-evaluating your boundaries over time. By setting healthy boundaries, you can protect your well-being and build stronger, more respectful relationships with others.

And if you are in a place where you feel the time has come to get a coach, don't hesitate to reach out for a free Jumpstart Breakthrough Session. Just click here and schedule your 30-minute call.