Embracing Solitude: Finding Joy in Your Own Company

In the last few years, I discovered I’m right in the middle of the Introvert/Extrovert personality trait; I love spending time with friends as much as I love coming home and spending time by myself or in my sanctuary. When I divorced, I discovered I loved being on my own. I had no one to tell me what to do and not do. I ate when I wanted. I stayed home if I wanted and went out if I didn’t. It was liberating. 

But I also realize that not everyone relishes being alone, especially when you are used to sharing your whole life with someone else. Finding yourself in the quiet can be challenging because staying out of your head is more challenging. But one of the critical aspects of healing and growing post-divorce is our ability to learn to enjoy one’s own company. When we can be at peace being by ourselves, we can experience great joy and fulfillment.

Difference between Loneliness and Solitude

That’s because there is a difference between loneliness and solitude. Loneliness feels like an emotional void like something is missing, and it tugs at our heartstrings. It might make us wonder what we’ve done wrong and could feel like punishment. 

Solitude carries a different energy. There is peace, calm, and inner reflection when we sit in solitude. Our thoughts don’t run away like a freight train. When we choose solitude, we open the door for self-reflection and personal growth. It’s hard to sit with yourself and write down your innermost thoughts when you’re surrounded by chaos or simply other people demanding your time.

Benefits of Solitude

There are several benefits to embracing solitude. First, we learn more about ourselves. We have the space to tune into our breath and our body and listen at a different level. We can gain greater self-awareness and confidence. We can gain clarity about what we want and don’t want. It’s not easy to identify what we don’t want when we’re running from one thing to another without pausing to ask ourselves if this is indeed what we want! Solitude also helps us to be more creative because life is less chaotic and quieter.

Being in solitude allows us to navigate the transition between our two worlds. It’s a place where we can acknowledge and process our emotions. Feeling our emotions, as uncomfortable as that might be, allows us to let them go. We also have the opportunity to create new routines for ourselves that better serve how we want to live our lives moving forward. Maybe you never had time for the gym. Now, you might find new ways of incorporating that into your schedule. 

Solitude can also help us reconnect with our authentic selves and rediscover forgotten passions and interests. If you felt like you needed to behave a certain way in your marriage, that there were things you couldn’t say for fear of being judged, or that you couldn’t do certain things because you felt you had to put the needs of others first; now’s the time to let that go. 

What You Can Do to Rediscover Yourself

You can do many things to rediscover yourself: journaling and self-reflection, trying new hobbies or revisiting old passions, solo travel or local exploration, writing yourself a love letter, or creating a vision board for your new life.

One of the first things I had to do when I moved into my new place was find a couch. I’d never really thought about what I wanted when I was married. But now that I was on my own, I got excited about the opportunity to create my nest. When I did that, the image of a red leather couch popped into my mind. I dragged a friend to countless furniture stores until I found the perfect couch. Coming home and seeing that couch made me smile every day.

Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs)

Now, not everyone likes to be alone with their thoughts. When we’re stuck in Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTs, as Dr. Daniel Amen likes to call them, being alone might feel scary and overwhelming. Here are five questions you can ask yourself to get over those ANTs:

•  Is it true? Is the thought I am having true?
•  Is it absolutely true? Is it true beyond a shadow of a doubt?
•  How do you feel when you have this thought? What emotions come up as you think this thought?
•  Who would you be without that thought? It gets you to start thinking about positive outcomes
•  Turn the thought around to its opposite. Is the opposite true or even truer than the original thought?

How You Can Find Joy

You might ask, “All this is good, but how do I find joy in my own company?” Let me ask you, “What do you enjoy doing when you’re alone?” It could be reading, hiking, meditating, yoga, mucking stalls, or whatever else makes you feel at peace. Have you thought of creating a cozy, personal space at home that feels like a sanctuary? Maybe you have your own “red couch?” And if not, perhaps you should.

Learning to enjoy your alone time doesn’t mean shutting yourself off from the world around you. There is as much value in your alone time as in enjoying time with others. You might consider joining a divorce support group. Just be careful that the focus is on growth and learning from experience and not one gigantic bitch fest. That will surely keep you trapped in whatever negative emotion you haven’t processed yet.

And look, if you’re struggling with loneliness or other emotional challenge, do not hesitate to talk to a professional. They can help you navigate that minefield!

Final Thoughts

So, as I close today’s blog, I hope you are beginning to see solitude as a powerful tool for self-discovery and empowerment. And I promise you, if your experience is anything like mine, light is at the other end of the tunnel. The things you can learn about yourself in those moments of solitude will pave the way for a joyful and fulfilling life and, as it did for me, your forever love.