5 Strategies to Respond vs. React

When something unexpected comes into our lives, like the recent Coronavirus, our lives can get turned completely upside down. In this case, thousands of people find themselves having to deal with a grossly underestimated health crisis. Millions more are finding themselves out of a job. Families are being torn apart by an invisible enemy. Yet, this is also a time for us to rise above the chaos and use the opportunity to recalibrate how we approach our lives.

Who else has heard this saying: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” I know I’ve even said it more than once!

On the flip side, Jean-Christophe Grangé, the author of the book Le Passager, says “Suffering doesn’t make you stronger. It uses you, makes you more vulnerable, weakens you. The human soul is not a leather to be tanned through the tests of life. It is a sensitive, vibrant, delicate membrane. When hurt, it becomes bruised, branded, haunted".

I don’t think those two points of view are that cut and dry. How we experience a given situation depends on a lot of things, some of which: our background, our experiences, any trauma we might have survived and the level of agency and responsibility we take for our life.

To react or to respond. That is the question!

When we react, we give up control. Reacting is instinctual. It means something or someone else is controlling us. If we approach a challenge passively, which is the choice we make when we react, then I can see how what Mr. Grangé wrote rings true. We may feel we have no control over our life and what happens in it.

When we respond, we approach the situation from an active point of view. Responding is measured, thoughtful, deliberate. We are in control of our mind, our body and our actions, even if we may not have control over the situation. When we respond, we take ownership and become accountable for what comes next.

While we may not be able to control what comes our way, we CAN control how we respond. And, let's be pragmatic, it's not about controlling every aspect of our life, but about controlling how we navigate through life. Life is our private obstacle course. Why let life "happen to us", when we can actually guide it in the direction we want?

Here are a few steps that can help move from a reactive approach to life to a responsive approach.

1. Start paying closer attention to your own life. Avoid being a passenger in your life story and become an active participant. Become a student of your life. What is your life trying to teach you? What situations keep showing up? What is the lesson you should be learning, so you can grow and move on?
2. Take a breath. When a situation comes up, pause. Take a step back and breathe.
3. Understand what you can and cannot control. For example, you may not be able to to control the current pandemic, but there are many things within your control: whether or not you go out, how close you get to people, how often you wash your hands. Doing those things enable you to feel more in control
4. Start small. Someone cut you off on your way to work? Take a breath instead of flipping them off or going off on them. Maybe they’re on their way to the hospital for a family emergency… 
5. When someone says or does something that triggers you, understand why it is eliciting that reaction from you.When you embark on this journey, simply noticing when you get triggered is a big step forward. Do you notice patterns? Once you start to see the patterns, you can start digging deeper.

Do you want to live your best life or do you want life to bat you around like a paper boat in the middle of a storm? Do you ask yourself “why me?” or do you say “try me”? Can you look at a given uncomfortable the situation as a challenge to be answered, as an opportunity for you to become a better version of yourself?

Responding instead of reacting takes practice and I’ll be honest, it’s hard! Yet, the more we try to respond instead of simply reacting, the easier it gets. It's like lifting weights. We don't start lift 100 lbs when we haven't lifted a weight in years. We begin with 10 lbs. I encourage you to embark on this journey. Start (re)taking control over your life. Aim to become a better you and live a better life each day!

Let me know how you are doing. I'd love to hear from you!