5 Stages of Grief After Divorce

I started grieving my marriage before I was divorced. I chose to leave so I had the time to get emotionally prepared for the end. Grieving a relationship, either because of divorce or separation, isn't any different than death. It is a death of a different kind. I grieved an ideal that never was, the kids I wouldn't have, the memories of what was, and the visions that would never come to pass.

I went through the same stages, and I invite you today to keep an open heart as I walk you through them and think about where you might be in your process.

The Stages Grief

Depending on where you look, there are 5 to 7 Stages of grief. No matter what stage you might be in, it's important to note that this process is not linear. In my journey, I found that sometimes I went forward, others I went backward, and sometimes I experienced more than one simultaneously. And it was all perfectly normal!

Stage 1: Denial

At first, you might wonder if it is true. You hear the words, but you don't understand. There is the initial shock and then the denial that it's even happening. You might think, "This isn't happening to me," or "They'll change their mind."

Your behaviors are likely to reflect your thoughts. For example, you may refuse to talk about anything related to the divorce or continue your routines as if everything were normal.

Personally, I did not want to come to terms with the fact that my best next course of action was ending our 10-year marriage. When I thought, "I'm done," I felt sucker-punched. Never had I thought I'd get to this point.

Stage 2: Anger

I remember arguing with my ex when I thought, "I don't like me when I'm with him." I was angry at him and at myself. I was angry at myself because I never found a way to get through to him. I was angry at him because I blamed him for the end of the relationship and for not hearing me.

Anger is not a bad emotion, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express it. Journaling, exercising, and using "I" statements to express feelings are all good. Throwing dishes, drinking, or using the children as weapons are not good.

Stage 3: Bargaining

I had asked my ex to go to a marriage counselor for what seemed like years, and he always said no. But the moment I mentioned divorce, the first thing he said was, "Let's go to marriage counseling." But I was already done. I had already made peace and was unwilling to go back in time. 

In this stage, your partner, like mine did, will try to negotiate to salvage the relationship. They might say things like "Give me a chance" or "I'll change, I promise." Bargaining occurs when the other person is not ready to let go of the relationship. 

Stage 4: Depression

I dealt with my emotions as I dealt with most unpleasant emotions. I ate my way through my feelings. However, depression can manifest in different ways. One might cry or feel hopeless. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt because I knew I was causing him grief, and I'd never wanted that for him, for us. It can look like fatigue or having trouble remembering or keeping focus.

I cannot stress enough the importance of getting help either at this stage of the grieving process or at any time in the process as a way to deal with what can be overwhelming emotions.

Stage 5: Acceptance

This stage is where you start to move forward. When we hold on to something not meant for us, such as a broken relationship, we cannot invite what is. When we finally accept that it's over, we come to understand that we'll be OK in this new reality.

When I went through my divorce, I replayed all of the times I had traveled on my own and lived on my own overseas. That comforted me and made me feel I would be OK. I knew I had done it before, so there was no reason why I couldn't do it again. And that's when I started getting excited about starting over on my terms.

Divorce Coping Strategies

Here are some ideas you can use to help you cope with the end of your marriage:

• Give yourself space to have fun and explore
• Take time for myself, whether it means spending more time with friends or getting mani/pedis
• Cry it out. Put on music you know will trigger the tears and allow them to flow freely. You'll feel better and lighter
• Talk it out, whether to my friends or family. And, if you need to talk to a mental health professional who can help you through it
• Learn more about yourself and your behaviors to ensure you won't make the same mistakes again - this was the single most courageous and enlightening thing I did

You may wish to bury yourself in work, and that is OK in the short term. However, I found it to be counterproductive in the long term because it only delayed the grieving process.

There are many other ways; the key is finding what will work for you.

Final Thoughts

Getting divorced sucks, and it's not easy. It doesn't matter if it is your decision or your partner's. If you choose to leave, you might have a leg up on the grieving process, but the stages are the same. Take time for yourself. Take time to rediscover what makes you happy. Abandon the negative thoughts and disempowering stories. If your story is anything like mine, there are brighter days ahead.