Habits: Out With the Old - In With the New!

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but I disagree.

I moved to America in the mid 80’s after leaving a warm, Latin cultural background. This was in stark contrast to the more distant, Anglo-Saxon culture of boundaries and personal space and I felt lost, like I didn’t belong. Coming from other countries where it was common place to kiss someone hello even when you didn't know them, it felt like a cold shower! The first boy I met when I arrived was the son of my parent's real estate agent. He was a big guy, probably 6’5” well into the 200’s and I got on my tippy toes to kiss him on the cheek to say hello, he was so surprised, so taken aback, I could have toppled him over with a feather!

Then, came the first day of High School, in a town where kids knew each other since they were in their Mom’s womb. I was introduced to the concept of winners and losers. In fact, our cafeteria had a winners’ lounge and a losers’ lounge. I met some new kids who invited me to sit with them, but the “foreigner” novelty soon wore off. I didn’t speak English very well, so communication was a barrier and they lost interest as I couldn’t engage in fluid conversation. I never blamed. I simply adapted to this culture like I had many others and learned to spend more time in the losers’ lounge because there I was like the others; the odd-balls, the artists, the foreigners.

So I did what any kid that age would try to do: change to fit in, to be accepted, to be one of the “cool” kids. Not only did it not work, but I made myself miserable. I wasn't even able to communicate to my parents why I was unhappy, so I turned to the one thing that never criticized me, never pushed me away, never made me feel like I didn't belong. Where some people might turned to drugs or alcohol, I turned to food. Self-medicating with food became a habit. I ate mindlessly. When I felt bored or anxious, my habit was to reach for food because it made me feel better. Food helped me to stuff down my feelings so I could “be happy”. The unintended consequence was that my weight ballooned, further alienating me from the one thing I so desperately wanted; to be one of the “cool” kids.

While my brother adapted well to the new environment because he was a talented soccer and tennis player, immediately earning him a place in middle school society, my lack of athletic ability didn't help. I didn’t play or enjoyed any sport well enough to become a part of the athletic community. This further contributed to my weight gain, as I didn’t exercise much. My parents did their best. They took me to doctors who put me on super restrictive diets.Those worked for a while, but I invariably when back to my old habits and they never addressed the underlying reason of my weight gain, which was my unhappiness.

I share this with you because it has taken me the better part of my adult life to create new positive habits. While I am not where I want to be yet, I am finally on a healthy pat, which combines the mechanics of being physically healthy with the desire to be mentally healthy. When I turned 50, I noticed things started to go south. My body felt like it was slowing down. Because I had never developed a habit of working out regularly, I was now starting to pay for it. It was beyond working out though. I also needed to get my head right and understand where this need to use food as medication came from.

While I did the inner work, I worked with a coach to take care of the outer work. Through our weekly sessions, we talked about the different things I could do to be healthier. She didn't take me from 0-60 in 3 seconds. We talked about different things I could do and began exploring options. I had never enjoyed working out and I’ve never been patient about waiting for the results t come and I lose steam. Even though the pounds came on over time, I expected to drop 20 lbs in one day, after one workout!

I wanted to undo 35 years of bad habits and replace them with good habits. When I decided to walk away from my job to become a full-time coach, I also realized I could not ask my clients to address their own health issues, if I wasn’t willing to address mine. Few resources helped me on my journey like Charles Duhigg's book The Power of Habit and I wanted to share some of the points which impacted me the most.

How to create new habits

In order for us to implement new habits which will work over time, we need to determine what our current habit cue or trigger is, then clearly define the rewards or what we get out of following through on the trigger. The routine is what gets you from point A (cue) to point B (reward).

Before habits become habits, they are a routine. A routine is something you follow consciously, something you deliberately engage in, whereas a habit is something you do automatically, without having to think about it. So, in order to create a new habit, you first must have a cue or a routine. You also need to be clear as to what your reward is, and then you have to create and cultivate the craving in the middle that reinforces the virtuous loop.

Let me share my own example with regards to exercise:

• My cue is setting up my workout clothes the night before.
• My reward is logging my workout in my FitBit and seeing how much time I spent in cardio vs. fat burning zones.
• Thinking about the fact that 1. I’m about to get most difficult thing I’m going to do all day out of the way and 2. expecting the reward which in this case is this sense of accomplishment, is how I am instilling the craving. The cue must trigger a craving for the reward, not just a routine. For me, it’s all about learning to anticipate that reward and envisioning the end result.

Here's another example: Have you ever eaten something you don’t even like that much, simply because it’s in front of you? I have! That’s because our brain start craving the food even if we’re not hungry. And as soon as we eat it we feel a rush of pleasure because the craving is satisfied. So cravings are what drive habits. When we figure out the craving which can support the new habit, then building a new habit gets easier.

To change a habit, you must keep the old cue and deliver the old reward, but insert a new routine

It is easier to adopt a new routine if there is something familiar in the beginning and the end. Almost any behavior can be transformed if the cue and the reward stay the same. When I think back about why I mindlessly eat, it’s often because I am either stressed or bored. So what is the routine I can put in place to replace eating, which will satisfy my need for excitement and/or relaxation? The brain can be reprogrammed, but we have to be deliberate about it.

When I feel the desire to eat because I'm bored, I now go watch a Youtube video on a topic which I'm interested in.

When I feel the desire to eat because I’m stressed, I take a few minutes to meditate and focus on my breathing.

Both of these activities have the same trigger and the same reward, but where I used to reach for food, I now take different actions which do not have a negative impact on my waistline.

Any change is possible, but for habits to permanently change, we must believe that change is feasible

Someone once asked me if I could help them quit smoking. Then, they went into a long list of all of the things they had already done to quit, which unfortunately didn’t work. When we want to change a habit, we can have only good intentions, but we can go in halfway. We have to be in all the way. That starts with believing that we can do it.

When I joined my new gym, I was ready to turn things around. Getting older has taught me one thing. I couldn't abuse my body the way I did when I was younger and it was only going to get harder from here, so it was about dang time I started some healthier habits.

Walking in the new gym, I was immediately taken by their wall of success. It showed me all of the people that had already seen success. And that was awesome! I thought “if they can do this so can I!” I also like that the classes were smaller and our trainer knows each of us by name. I often see some of the same faces. Some women are older than me and have more stamina or are stronger than me. Having that community around me shows me I am not alone and that other people have done it, so it's only a matter of time until I do it too. Getting up early in the morning to go there, seems less painful.

Unless you deliberately fight a habit - unless you find new routines - the pattern will unfold automatically. This is a battle I will have to fight until I have developed new habits that are so well ingrained into my daily life, that nothing can throw me off. When we have a good habit in place, we don't talk ourselves out of doing “the thing”. We simply do it. There are no excuses or other options. Habits are tied to discipline and when we have discipline, we don't think about what we're going to do next! We don't have the internal dialog of "do I want to do this or not?” We simply do it out of habit and that simplifies our life tremendously. Like my friend Anne would say, we end up doing things “automagically".

Final Words

How about you? Are you thinking of implementing new habits? If so, remember that there is a common misconception out there. New long-lasting habits sadly are not formed in 20 days, but in 60! It takes a lot of work. It takes courage, but you are stronger and more determined than you think. So whatever it is you want to change, first make the decision. Identify your cues/trigger, know your rewards, find that routine you will work to move you from that place and create that trigger which will change your old destructive habit into a new empowering habit!

I'd love to hear how you've implemented new habits, so leave me a message below!