How to Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work

I have always loved traveling and living in different countries. It is incredibly enriching and rewarding and an opportunity to learn about other cultures and about yourself. So, when I was offered the opportunity to work in Shanghai, I was thrilled! At the same time, I was scared to death! I had been with my partner for 5 years and I knew that being separated by oceans and continents would put a strain on the relationship. I also knew that this was an opportunity that might never present itself again. I took some time to think about all of the implications of relocating and finally said yes!

One night, a couple of weeks before I was supposed to leave, I had made Pasta with Mushrooms for dinner and for some reason got upset with him. I went to the couch and sat there crying with me face in my hands while he sat at the dinner table trying to figure out what had just happened. Finally, since arguing was so out of character for us, he came to sit with me, put his arm around my shoulder, leaned back in the couch and waited patiently for me to open up and tell him what was upsetting me. It turns out I was taking my fear of relocating out on him! I was afraid the distance would break us apart, that it would take our lives in different directions. But he supported me 1000% and reassured me that we would find a way to make it work. We had spoken about my dream of moving back to Asia for an extended period of time before and he wanted to support me in making this dream come true, since I had supported him in making his come true. So, in January 2016, I relocated to Shanghai, leaving the life I had grown accustomed to, even though that also meant leaving him behind.

I have since come home and wanted to share with you the lessons we learned while we are living our lives on separate continents. One thing that surprised us was this: being apart actually brought us closer together and today, we are stronger than ever. In some ways, being separated helped us realize how much we loved each other and that there was nothing we wouldn’t be willing to do to make each other happy.

Here are some strategies you can use to keep your relationship healthy, if you have to be separated for some time.

Define and work towards a common goal

Probably the single most important thing you can do as a LDR couple. Figure out what you want to be, do, achieve together and work towards it together. Do this in addition to your personal goals. This can include anything from deciding what activities to do together, as well as trying new things in order for each of you to better understand the other's interests and personality. Having something you are both striving towards is an incredibly strong force that keeps you together. Why? Because with this goal, you are building a future together. You have a common understanding of where you want to be and you can focus on that, as a way to keep your connection strong. If you have areas of growth, you can work on them together. If there are things you are strong in that he/she is not, you can fill in those bits for each other. It’s win-win all around!

Follow your passions and share your successes with each other

Having a common goal doesn’t mean you lose yourself. You still need to have your own goals and areas that you want to grow in. Have your own life! Being separated by 100s or 1,000s of miles should make that easy. Many couples become so consumed with each other that they forget that they need to have a life of their own. That’s what happened to me in my marriage. I was so focused on our relationship that I forgot who I was and that I had interests of my own. Strive towards that goal together, but do not forget who you are and what you want to achieve personally. It’s OK to have and do things for yourself. It allows you to bring novelty to the relationship. I'll give you an example. Recently, my man attended a business meeting and I got to hear all about it. And you know what? He was so excited and recharged when he came home, that I felt energized to continue pursuing my own dreams!

Help each other grow in your time apart

Growing together allows you to grow old together. Neither of you is perfect, but the one thing you can do is be there for each other. Bounce ideas and thoughts with each other, so you can get a different perspective. Because of your respective histories, you will see things from a different angle, which can be very enriching to your relationship. You can learn a lot from each other and continue to look for opportunities to expand yourselves. For us, it is uplifting and invigorating. I love hearing how he overcame a particular challenge, that he learned something new or that he did something that was out of his comfort zone. It encourages me to get out of mine too.

Believe in each other and the depth of your love

Be each other’s best cheerleader! Believe in each other and your abilities without question. When you are in a long-term relationship, you develop trust over time. And when there is trust, you know that they always have your best interest at heart. It’s incredibly empowering to have someone with unshakable faith in you in your corner. It makes you feel almost invincible. We’ve had many difficult conversations and they are always rooted in our desire to support and help the other be a better human. We believe in the power of our love and we know that it can conquer anything that gets thrown in our path (yeah. cheeky, I know…).

Be present when you are able to be together

Give them 100 % attention. Forget about your worries and the past. Don't worry about the future. Forget the phone. Put it on airplane mode. Forget the emails. Live in the moment. Divided attention is no attention at all. When you are together and you know the time is limited, respect each other enough to be fully absorbed in each other’s being, without distractions. Nothing else in the world should matter but the two of you, in that moment.

Look for different way to connect. Have a virtual date night. Dress up and engage the same way you would if you were together. Play games together. Those can be online or board games. If you played scrabble or chess together, get a board each and play. Challenge each other to do fun things in the week.

Connect, connect, connect

Find a rhythm that works for you. We tried not to let one day go by without speaking to each other. But you have to find what works for you. Life has a tendency to get in the way, so it's important to set non-negotiable times for you to be together. It doesn’t have to mean you're spending hours on the phone/zoom either. It can be a simple “Hey Hon. How are ya?”. But you do need to spend some quality time together. I remember for us, with the 12 hr difference, we spoke his morning/my evening and vice versa. And as stated in the previous point, when you are connected, Be Present. When talking virtually, it’s even more important to make sure your partner feels that connection. When you're not all there in the moment, they can feel it, even over the phone. Be each other our whole world, when you are connected.

Look for ways to surprise each other

Send a text at unexpected moments. Send something funny, or simply remind each other that you love him/her. If a memory comes up on your FB feed, post it again or sent it to them so they have something to wake up to. Send flowers for no good reason. Send them a snail mail card. It can be stupid simple stuff. Just show them they are top of mind.

Final thoughts

Doing these things kept us together for the 1 1/2 yr I was away. And to tell you the truth, these are the same things that are keeping us together now! We still share a common goal along with our individual goals and support each other in reaching them. We believe what we have is special and we work at it constantly to make sure that we keep the fire alive. We are present with each other and we look for ways to keep it fun and exciting!

What about you? Do you have any tips and tricks that you would like to share that made it work especially well for you? If you do, I’d love to hear more, so please feel free to leave a comment below.