Mindfulness in the Storm of Divorce

Going through my divorce was one of the most challenging times of my life. I slept and ate poorly. I couldn't shut my mind. I mind-looped every conceivable worst-case scenario imaginable. I had to live under the same roof as my former husband, which made the atmosphere at home unbearably heavy with tension and stress, like I didn't have enough at work!

Since my divorce, I've been learning about mindfulness and meditation. Had I been aware of these tools back then, I know my experience would have been much different than it was. 

The Difference Between Mindfulness and Meditation

Let's put it this way. All meditation is mindfulness, but not all mindfulness is meditation. Meditation is a practice, whereas mindfulness is a way of being. According to the Oxford Dictionary, here are the definitions of each:

Mindfulness: the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. It is a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.

Meditation: the action or practice of meditating

Benefits of Mindfulness

• Mindfulness is beneficial for so many reasons. It helps you:
• Be more present and stay in the moment.
• Reduce stress and anxiety by helping you to manage mind loops and anxious recurring thoughts.
• Foster a sense of self-awareness to better understand your thoughts, emotions, and reactions, allowing you to respond appropriately to challenging situations.
• Cultivate self-compassion by helping you let go of guilt, shame, or self-criticism.
• Be kinder and more understanding towards yourself. 

It also enhances emotional resilience so that you can cope more effectively with the ups and downs of post-divorce life. The ultimate benefit is that you gain greater inner peace and emotional stability.

How Mindfulness Helps

We experience so many emotions during divorce, sometimes emotions that may seem counter-intuitive, emotions like anger and joy, grief and relief, fear and positive anticipation. And becoming more mindful or aware is a great way to manage the roller coaster of emotions. 

It helps to reduce stress and anxiety. You become more self-aware because you better understand your emotional triggers. Once you have that awareness, you can develop self-compassion by letting go of guilt and self-blame. You can also get your peace back by letting go of anger, resentment, and grief. I know these take time, but the more we practice this, instead of stuffing down our emotions and not dealing with them, the quicker we get out of this painful phase. And when you're feeling more at peace, you can make better decisions. Decision-making when you're in fight-or-flight mode is almost always wrong. We need to be thinking clearly. We're thinking with survival in mind, which is an entirely different ball game than thriving!

Mindfulness Practices for Healing

YouTube is a great place to go for mindfulness exercises

• Breathing exercises: Simple techniques to stay present and reduce anxiety.
• Body scans: Checking in with the body to identify and release tension.
• Meditation: Guided meditations for emotional healing and acceptance.

But these you can easily do on your own

• Journaling: Reflective writing prompts to process emotions and gain insights.
• Gratitude practices: Focusing on the positive aspects of life, even amidst challenges.
• Mindful walking: Walk in nature or by the water, focusing on the feel of the ground beneath your feet, your breath, or the wind in your hair, for example.

Now, how do you integrate that into your life? The best way I found is by having a morning routine. For those of you who are mothers, that may be the only time you have for yourself during the day, short of nighttime after the kids are in bed. Set some time aside that aligns with whether you are a morning person or a night owl. But it doesn't stop there. We love to multi-task. We think we're good at it and feel we get a lot done that way. But the brain doesn't work like that. When you multi-task, all the brain does is switch back and forth between the two, three, or four things you're doing simultaneously, making you feel exhausted at the end of the day. You could dedicate some time to sipping that morning cup of tea and only doing that, or focus on what you eat, the textures, the tastes, the smells, without the distraction of television or music. 

Can you create a mindful space in your home? A corner of a bedroom? Make it peaceful and calming. You could declutter and reorganize different spaces in your home. Or add a water feature, like a tabletop water fountain, or develop new, soothing, and replenishing rituals.

Final Thoughts

As you go through your divorce, putting practices in place that will help you to feel more grounded and calm is a game changer. And you don't have to go all out. Start small. Make small changes. Incorporate small gestures. Just start. And be patient with yourself. Like anything new, getting the hang of things takes time until it becomes second nature.