Creating New Traditions After Divorce
Since my family lives in Europe, I got used to celebrating Thanksgiving with my former in-laws. We'd drive down to Delaware for a few days, where we would cook together, go antiquing, play Pinochle (boys against girls), and other card games to our heart's content. When I found myself single again, my BFF invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family. This tradition is now 13 years old; now, both my Honey and I are welcome.
Traditions are important family markers. They provide comfort, stability, and an opportunity to get together at least once or twice a year! When we lose those markers, we need to create new ones so we can both heal and redefine our lives post-divorce.
New traditions are a way to anchor ourselves emotionally in our new life dynamic. They were our emotional anchors in our "previous'/married life, contributing to our sense of identity and continuity. With a new landscape ahead of us, they can help with the transition and symbolize the start of a new chapter in life. And the good news is, we can make those traditions anything we want them to be!
Reflecting on Past Traditions
First and foremost, we must acknowledge past traditions. They had value and represented things dear to us. In my family, our birthday was "sacred. It was the one time of the year we could ask Mom to make anything we wanted to eat, and she always did. It really was our special day.
I went through a process of letting go when I no longer could join my former in-laws. I missed that time. And aside from missing them, I missed what they represented, which was the ability to spend time and reconnect with family. But it didn't make sense in my new life, hence my new Friendsgiving, which is also about reconnecting with people I love. As you move forward, decide which traditions to keep and replace. Think about the meaning behind the tradition and carry those forward in a way that is more, well, meaningful!
If you have children, look for ways to involve them. What makes sense for them? What would they like to see? Doing this will help foster a sense of belonging and continuity.
What Are Some New Traditions to Consider
You can look at traditions in different ways. You can have solo traditions, including a yearly journey to a new place you've always wanted to visit, a monthly Spa ritual, or a monthly volunteering effort.
You have family traditions, which can include things like game or movie nights or summer vacation to your favorite spot. And finally, friendship traditions, not unlike Friendsgiving or themed dinners, for example. There are many ways to create meaningful memories.
You may also want to reimagine the holidays. How will you spend the end of the year holidays? What about Thanksgiving? Maybe Thanksgiving becomes a day of giving back to your community, and Christmas, for example, becomes a travel holiday.
While we may be sad that some traditions are over, we can also get excited at the opportunity to create new ones! And all new ideas won't necessarily become traditions, but imagine the fun you'll have coming up with new things! Maybe you'll want to create your own birthday tradition.
It Won't Always Be Easy
You may have to deal with some resistance, whether your own or your kids if you have children. You may even have to navigate expectations from family or friends who may struggle with the changes. This is where your communication skills are going to come in handy. Explaining the changes, explaining why you had to make them, and focusing on the positive aspects can go a long way in smoothing that transition. If you feel guilty, you might need to use those rational skills on yourself because you have to move on from old traditions. Either way, it may feel overwhelming, and if you find yourself in that situation, don't hesitate to seek support from friends, support groups, or professionals.
Final Thoughts
Creating new traditions is a part of the healing and rebuilding process after divorce. And there are many ways to go about it. It may take a couple of starts and stops, so be patient with yourself and adopt a positive mindset. Looking at this from a curious eye instead of looking at the past in comparison will help you come up with good ideas and make the transition easier. This will help you to create a new, meaningful life chapter.
And I love this quote from W. Somerset Maugham "Tradition is a guide and not a jailer," so go ahead, experiment and have some fun along the way!
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