Overthink No More: 
3 Steps to Stop the Mind Loops

I picked up a terrible habit when I went through my divorce: ruminating. I'd wake up around 2:00 in the morning and toss and turn until my alarm went off at 5:00. During that whole time, all I would do was imagine worst-case scenarios. At first, it was about my divorce. What's going to happen to me? How am I going to manage financially? What if I never meet anyone ever again? I had so many questions but so few answers. All these thought loops stole my sanity and my peace.

And here's what I found: none of the scenarios and movies I played in my head played out in real life! Nothing happened that was even close to as terrible as my imagination wanted me to believe! Sure, the process was uncomfortable, and yeah, there were difficult moments to go through, but they were not as heart-stopping as my brain wanted me to believe.

If that sounds familiar, I'd like to share a quick three-step process that can help you start taking control of your mind loop and bring you peace of mind. But first, it's important to note that when you worry about the future, you can't be in the moment to experience the joy of being present. When you're stuck in your head, imagining worst-case scenarios, you can't enjoy the moment, so you live in a permanent state of anxiety. 

Step 1 - Write It Out!

Getting stuck in mind loops feels kinda like chasing squirrels. Have you ever seen a squirrel run? They're all over the place! They dart left and right, and they're virtually uncatchable. Your ruminating thoughts are the same. So, the best thing you can do is write them down. Putting pen to paper helps to corral the squirrels. 

Think of a situation that gives you anxiety or that you keep mulling over and over, twisting yourself into a mental pretzel. Take out your journal or a pad of paper and write down everything that could go wrong, and I mean everything, from the most benign to the most egregious. 

Here's what happens when you do that: You already start to feel better. Writing it out means you're no longer chasing ideas in your head. You might start to discern themes, and then you can put them into buckets. Are you primarily worried about finances? Are you anxious about co-parenting? Are you afraid of who you are without your partner? This first step will bring you some clarity. Now what?

Step 2 - Rank them

Ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen?" Write that one at the top; then, "What's the next worst thing?" And so on until you've ranked them all from worst to "least worst…"

Now look at your list, and for each, ask yourself, "How likely is this to happen?" You'll find that some of the scenarios you come up with are not likely to happen at all. Sometimes because of how far-fetched it is and sometimes because of who you are or who your partner is. 

Then, ask yourself, "What can I do to mitigate this?" "What can I do to make sure that doesn't happen?" "Who can help me manage this effectively?" There are so many great questions you can ask yourself that will de-escalate the anxiety.

Step 3 - Ask Yourself, "What's the Best that Can Happen?"

Now, turn it all on its head. Instead of asking about the worst, ask, "What's the best thing that can happen?" Thinking outside of worst-case scenarios may be difficult at first, but it can help you un-demonize the situation. When you start to think positively about it, you'll see there are many reasons, opportunities, and ways in which things could go better than expected. Then, all you have to do is ask, "What can I do to stack the deck in my favor?" "What can I do to make sure things go in this direction?"

Remember that your answers are only as good as your questions. Tony Robbins often says that if you ask crappy questions, you'll get crappy answers. So ask yourself good questions! For example, questions that focus on blame will send you right back into a mind loop. And, if you're going to blame them for where you are, you might as well blame them for the good things too. Let me explain. When I left my former husband, I blamed him for everything. It was all his fault, and I did everything I could to make the marriage work. Pretty high and mighty of me, isn't it? Only when I was truly done grieving and being sad and angry could I take a step back and think, "OK. Clearly, there were two of us in this. How did I contribute? What was my role?" When you ask with the desire to solve, you'll have a different energy and get a different outcome. 

Final Words

Being stuck in never-ending mind loops is enough to drive anyone mad. But when you can write out your thoughts, understand the worst that can happen, and start imagining best-case scenarios, you lessen your anxiety, think more clearly, make better decisions, and get better sleep!

If you're coming out of a divorce and are looking for a supportive community, I invite you to join my FB group, "Brave New You." We'd love to have you!