Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce: 5 Steps to Perseverance & Resilience

I thought my divorce would never end. Although, all things considered, it was pretty quick. We had no kids, just two people who felt it was time to go our separate ways. It took a little over a year and a half, and two qualities got me through and kept me moving forward despite the challenges: Perseverance and Resilience.

These two things go hand in hand and can make you a force of nature. Let's start with a basic definition. According to Merriam-Webster, resilience is the continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition. In contrast, resilience is the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. Think of it this way: Perseverance is like the salmon who must swim against the current to lay her eggs. Along the way, she faces bears and other challenges, but her determination to get to her destination so the species survives is an inspiration. Resilience is like a rubber band. It stretches and comes back to its original size and does it time and time again. The only difference is that in life, the rubber band keeps expanding further and further with every challenge, learning and growing through the process. Putting those two into action is a powerful combination for overcoming the challenge of life after heartbreak.

The importance of being persistent in the face of adversity

Do you know what the number one thing that people who are at the end of their life regret is? Wishing they'd had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the life others expected of them. But that is not easy, given the pressures society, our family, and our own stories put on us, especially when it comes to marriage and divorce. I'm sure you've heard these before: "Marriage is for life," "We don't divorce in this family," or "Divorce is traumatic for kids "(which it is, but less than living with parents who constantly fight), and "divorce is a failure." 

But I know so many women who have not only survived divorce but thrived! Going through a divorce is not easy. Frankly, it downright sucks. But, going through difficult times lays the groundwork for and opens us up to receive wonderful things. It's hard to see blue skies in the middle of a storm. But have you ever been through something hard and been grateful for what happened because you knew that if you hadn't gone through "that thing," you would not have been able to handle other difficult situations OR you would not have the gifts that you've been given as a result. 

Here are some women who have thrived after divorce:

• Martha Stewart built her media empire following her divorce.
• Elizabeth Gilbert rediscovered her spark by going on a yearlong personal journey and exploration, resulting in a best-selling book and movie.
• Tina Turner's career exploded following her divorce from her physically abusive husband.

There is one thing each of these women, and countless more believed: that you deserve to be happy, and sometimes that means the end of a relationship.

5 tips for developing perseverance and resilience after divorce

1. Believe this has happened for your greater good

The Universe doesn't make mistakes. You may not see it now, but you'll look back one day and be grateful for this difficult time. I've interviewed many women about their divorce experience, and all of them, without fault, were thankful for what happened because it allowed them to live THEIR lives to the fullest. Not the lives their parents, spouse, or community wanted them to live, but THEIRS!

2. Build your circle

You don't have to go through this alone. Being part of a community and surrounding yourself with others who have gone through the same experience can be hugely empowering. You can begin to see yourself where they are. You don't want just a wing woman; you want a wing posse! You also want people in your circle who, even if they have not had the same experience, are positive, future-focused, and joyful about life, even when struggling. That attitude of "nothing's gonna get me down" will help you when you feel slumpish.

3. Become Mentally and Emotionally Savvy

You have so many tools at your disposal to grow your emotional savviness. You can journal, meditate, or go to therapy. Becoming physically active is a great way to build mental resilience. Heck, taking up boxing so you let out your frustrations may be a good option for you. You have to find what's going to work for you. For me, in the beginning, it was about crying it out. I had to let all the ick out because otherwise, I felt like I'd explode. Little by little that went away, and I became more open to other ways of building resilience

4. Be kind to yourself

You're likely hard on yourself if you're anything like me and the countless women I've spoken with. How's that working for you? Why is it so tricky for high performers to be compassionate to themselves? I remember once making a mistake. I also remember stopping mid-sentence when I became aware of what I was telling myself, and I thought, "I'd never say this to my worst enemy. Why is it OK to talk to myself that way?" One of the things I try to keep in mind is that the person inside me who is reacting, who feels threatened, who is hurt is likely to be the 8-year-old version of me who used this coping mechanism because she didn't know how else to deal with it. So be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with your soul. You deserve that.

5. Become flexible and adaptable

There is only one thing in life that we can be absolutely, positively, 100% sure of, and that is that things will change. Nothing remains the same. Nature and life are in constant movement. When it stands still, it begins to die. The best way I found to accept and embrace change is to avoid getting too attached to a specific outcome. All I can do is my best in a given situation and with the information I have at the moment. When I know better, I do better. I like to think about it as trusting the process. Whatever is going on, I can handle it, and I'll make the best of it. And even if it doesn't turn out exactly how I saw it in my mind's eye, who's to say this isn't better?

Final Words

You'll go through every emotion imaginable as you navigate this new beginning, from abject sadness at feeling like you're going backward with every step you take to pure joy when you can pump your fist and say, "HECK YEAH!" How proud will you be when that happens!?

Now is the time to be your own hero. You are strong enough, and you will make it through this challenge like you've made it through others. Even if all seems bleak and hopeless, know that tomorrow will come with new opportunities for growth, love, and success. Looking back on your life years from now, you'll see how much more fulfilling it was because you decided to take a stand for yourself and take your power back. And remember, you are worth whatever is on the other side of this challenge.