The Power of Forgiveness

It's normal to be angry after a divorce. But what is not normal is living there. Anger is one of the stages of grief and is 100% warranted. When I asked my husband for a divorce, I was angry, angry that things had gotten to that point despite doing what I thought was everything to prevent it from getting there. And I was mad at both of us for the failure. If you're on the receiving end of a divorce request, you will be angry. It's part of the process. And we might not only feel anger. I also felt sadness, resentment, shame, guilt, and several other emotions. But what is also part of the process is letting anger and other negative emotions run their course so you can live your life on your terms and, most importantly, heal. 

What Is Forgiveness?

There is one fundamental thing to understand about forgiveness. Forgiving doesn't mean condoning bad behavior or forgetting about the past. There is nothing "right" about cheating on your spouse, denigrating them, or worse, physically abusing them. And forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, forgiving someone for the negative things they have done shows strength. It shows you can control yourself and your emotions instead of giving away your power.

And it's not only about forgiving the other party; it's also about forgiving yourself. When I asked my former husband for divorce, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and shame because 1. I couldn't make it work, and 2. Because I knew I was hurting him. I had to learn to forgive myself for that. What do you need to forgive yourself for?

The Emotional Weight of Holding Onto Grudges

 Have you ever been in a situation where you were mad at someone for a long time? How did that feel? It's exhausting! It takes a toll, not only emotionally, but also on your other relationships. It warps your view of the world, in that you see life not with rose-colored glasses, but gray-colored glasses. And I get it. You have every right to be mad when trust has been broken, or you've been betrayed. But over time, think about who you are hurting more: Him who has moved on with his life or you for holding on to the hurt and pain? 

And I have seen that anger spill into how people talk to their kids about their former partners. That translates into how the kids view the other parent and has the potential to damage that relationship significantly. Holding on to unresolved emotions impedes one's ability to move forward and open up to new experiences, not taking into account the fact that it hurts your mental and physical health. Studies have shown that if you hold on to grudges, you are more likely to experience depression and PTSD and get sick. You may also suffer from lower self-esteem and chronic pain. Who wants that…?

The Benefits of Forgiveness

On the other hand, there are many benefits to forgiveness. When we learn to forgive and let go, we experience emotional freedom and peace. Forgiveness can lead to improved mental health, reduced stress and anxiety, better relationships, increased self-esteem and personal growth, and a more positive outlook on life.

That said, along with forgiving someone else, you must be able to forgive yourself. It is counter-productive to walk around beating yourself up. When you are in an energy where you're looking for what's wrong, you can't focus on possibilities. Your personal growth and seld-compassion suffer.

5 Steps to Start Forgiving

• Acknowledge Your Feelings: 
  • Be honest about what you are feeling. What emotions are you experiencing? Whatever you write down, you have every right to feel. Knowing where you stand and how you feel is the first step in getting you to a place of forgiveness.
• Understand the Source of Pain: 
  • Where is the pain coming from? What's the root cause? Do you feel betrayed? Hurt? Angry? Stupid? Write it all down. Now, think about what that means for you right now. 
• Decide to Forgive: 
  • Think about making a conscious decision to forgive the other person for your well-being. It won't ever be like flipping a switch. It will be more of a process. Holding on to a grudge is like stabbing yourself and expecting the other person to be in pain. It doesn't work that way. 
• Empathize with the Other Person: 
  • Have you thought about putting yourself in your partner's shoes? Why did they do what they did? What might they have been feeling or thinking? We all make mistakes. We all have our struggles. Is there unresolved trauma that caused them to behave in a particular way?
• Release and Let Go: 
  • Let it go once you have a clear view of your emotional landscape. Many resources are available for letting go: journaling, meditation, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist.

Moving Forward: Life After Forgiveness

OK. You've done the work. Now what? Set clear boundaries and protect your peace (check out this blog post: https://www.alexandraniel.com/blog/art-of-setting-boundaries). Imagine the bandwidth you've freed up by letting go. You no longer have to think about it. You can focus on positive, self-affirming ideas, hobbies, and building your new life. If you desire to attract your forever love into your life in the future, holding on to these negative emotions will only bring you more of the same. It means you will not be fully emotionally available to create meaningful and long-term relationships with a partner. Which do you prefer? To live in the anger of the past or invite that new relationship?

Final Thoughts

I encourage you to take the first step towards forgiveness for themselves and their future today. Don't hold on to grudges that only hurt you. Let those go and fall in love with your life again.