How to Prevent a Breakdown in Trust

After coming home from a 9-month stint abroad for work, I was going through the mail and saw a bill I'd never seen before. I opened it and imagine my surprise when I noticed it was for a mortgage! He'd bought a house, in my name no less, while I was working overseas. I didn't know what to say! I felt betrayed. I felt used. And in one instant, the trust was broken. That moment was the beginning of the end.

At the core of every marriage is trust. And when the trust disappears, three things happen: 

1. The couple splits 
2. They work together to understand what happened and what could have been done to prevent it, and they try to rebuild. Sometimes, it works, and sometimes, it doesn't. 
3. They pretend everything is fine, but know it's over.

I chose door No. 3, though it took a while to get me to the point of asking for a divorce.

Conventional Ways to Build and Maintain Trust

The bottom line is this: We must say what we mean and mean what we say, and there are conventional ways to rebuild trust: 

•  Open communication - I can't over-emphasize this one. It is the foundation.
•  Honesty and transparency - it's risky, to be honest and transparent, but if you're not going to take the risk with your partner, who will you do it with? 
•  Keeping promises and commitments - show up when and how you say you will

Seems simple enough, right…?

Unconventional Ideas to Prevent Trust Breakdown 

While all of the above are foundational to ensure trust, I wanted to share a few that we've used from time to time in my new relationship:

Empathic Sharing

We find ourselves doing this from time to time. We're sitting at the dinner table just chatting, and the conversation will lead to an uncomfortable topic. So, we talk about it. We don't plan it. We go where the conversation goes. The beauty of doing it in that moment is that it's not emotionally charged. 

We're able to talk about what happened, how it felt, and why we did/said what we said, but we do it from a place of understanding instead of judgment, hurt, and fear. This allows us to understand why our words or actions were hurtful and become self-aware of our patterns and triggers so we can avoid doing them in the future.

Power Couple World Domination Weekend

We've only done this once but have already planned the next one. We put our dreams, ideas, thoughts, feelings, ambitions, desires, hurts, picks, etc., on the table and talk about them. We dream build where we see our life going, the type of house we want to have, the trips we want to take, and the adventures we want to have. We talk about our businesses, how we want to grow, what we need to make it happen, and how we can support each other. 

And we talk about what we've done or said to each that we liked and want more from each other and, equally important, what we didn't like, that was hurtful, that pissed us off. Again, the idea is to talk about all of this in a safe, non confrontational environment.

Weekly Check-ins

We implemented this recently, so we're still feeling our way through. We've set some time aside every week to go over finances and discuss what went well and what didn't. We ask how we can support each other in the coming week, what we've got going on, and what we want more of and less of. What makes this work is our willingness to be emotionally "naked" in front of and with each other. Vulnerability is a much more powerful tool in building trust than people give it credit.

Now, here is the key to making all of these work: Establishing your ground rules. We agree to

•  Keep an open heart, and not take things personally
•  Try to see things from the other's perspective instead of being defensive
•  To share even the most difficult things

Final Words

There are so many different approaches. I use a mix of everything because the Empathic Sharing, Power Couple World Domination Weekend, and Weekly Check-ins cannot happen without open communication, honesty and transparency, and keeping our commitments to each other. When I look at my previous relationship and this one, they couldn't be more different. And that's the beauty of learning from our past.

You have to find what works for you, try different approaches, and remember that this is not a one-and-done deal. Trust must be nurtured and requires ongoing effort and commitment from both partners. But if you're both willing to play, the result is nothing short of magical.