7 Lessons in The Pursuit of Happiness

This past week, I turned 52 and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. Did I want to celebrate, or did I want to let it be just another day and double down on work? I am after all, in the middle of trying to build a coaching business. Could I afford to take the time for myself? And if I did, would I enjoy it, knowing all that I must do? In the end, I decided that it was my special day and since it only comes around once a year, it deserved to be recognized. At around the same time, I saw an ad for the new Christian Dior exhibit that opened at the Brooklyn Museum and on a whim, I bought tickets. The exhibit itself was mesmerizing. I highly recommend it if you live in or are in drivable distance to NYC. I was in awe and loved that I was able to pay witness to such creativity and wonder. He was such an inspirational character.

On the way back from NYC, I started thinking about my life and realized that for the first time in a long time, I was happy. My heart felt light and open, my head was clear, and I had less stress than I’ve experienced in years. As I watched the scenery go by, I started reflecting on the changes I have made in the last year or so and how they have impacted my overall well-being and happiness. As I was talking to my partner and sharing this epiphany, my eyes welled with tears. I never imagined what a profound change leaving my 9-5 (or more like 7-7) would have on my life. But it wasn’t just that. I made changes across the board, all of which collectively contributed to significantly move the needle. And the funny thing is this; I am happier than ever despite the uncertainty. It feels like I am exactly where I need to be, doing what I was meant to be doing and it feels exhilarating!

In today’s blog, I want to share the 7 lessons I’ve learned in the last 6-ish months.

Lesson no. 1: Take Ownership of Yourself and Hold Yourself Accountable

This is not easy for me to talk about, but for a long time, I let life happen to me. I was fortunate to grow up in a stable family, at least until my parents separated when I was 22. We moved internationally for 9 years starting when I was 6 years old because of my dad’s job. Some might say I had it easy, and, in a sense, I did. I never had to deal with abuse, poverty, or drugs. I never lacked for anything. I started working when I was 16 and always worked very hard. But I was never conscious enough to realize I could direct my life, until I dove into the world of personal development after my divorce and finally too ownership of my life.

Being responsible and accountable are not the same. In business, they mean different things although people often use them interchangeably. When you are responsible for something, you are the Doer. You make things happen. When you are accountable, it means the buck stops with you. When we apply those principle in our life, we are both responsible and accountable. We do the things that need to be done and we accept, learn from the outcome of the things we did and have the power to make the necessary changes.

Nobody is responsible for you other than you. Accepting that fact fundamentally changes how you approach your life. You don’t wait for something to fall on your lap. You seek out what you want and find ways to make it achievable. If you are facing a challenge, you grab the bull by the horns, look for solutions, implement them and resolve it. Problems don’t go away by themselves. It takes meaningful and purposeful action.

I was struggling to describe how to hold yourself accountable and came across this description which summarizes it perfectly: Holding yourself accountable means you manage your work and life tasks, fulfill your obligations to colleagues and consistently self-reflect on your work conduct. You also accept the outcomes of your decision-making processes and assess any changes you want to make in the future (www.indeed.com). 

Bottom line is this: you’re the boss. You’re in charge. The buck stops with you. And if you don’t like where you are in life, you have the power to move because you are not a tree! You do something different. When you take ownership of your life, you stop being a victim and start living! This one lesson is fundamental to everything else.

Lesson no. 2: Don’t Stay in an Undesirable Situation

I remember when I first moved out on my own, I had a roommate. She was a bit older than me, and she hated her job. I remember thinking back then “why doesn’t she just change jobs…?” I found it baffling. Until years later when I found myself in a similar situation. I didn’t hate my job, but I had lost my passion for it, mostly because of the amount of stress and pressure I was under. I wasn’t performing as well as I had in the past and I knew there was only one thing to do. So, after much hemming and hawing, I finally made the decision to leave. It was the hardest, yet best decision I ever made.

Using work and my own life story as an example, when you remain in a job where you are not happy, it makes you feel trapped. You feel disempowered. You may even feel like we have no options and in some cases that is true. But often, when you take an honest look past the surface, you see that is seldom the case and what keeps you there is two-fold: 1. Fear and 2. Golden handcuffs. It is normal to fear something we do not know. You never know how a job search is going to go, whether you can get a new job, if you will like working for someone else. But taking that risk makes you feel alive! So, instead of thinking about the pain of the process, focus on the potential rewards. Imagine yourself happy, doing what you love. For me, it meant a drastic career change from corporate into coaching. But it doesn’t have to be that for you. It can simply be finding a new job with better work-life balance.

One of the most amazing things that happened when I tended my resignation was the number of women colleagues who said to me “I wish I had the balls to do what you just did”. I’m not saying you should quit your job. What I am suggesting is to take inventory of your relationship with your job and decide whether it is the best option for you. Bottom line is this; when one area of your life suffers, your whole life suffers.

Lesson no. 3: Take Control of Your Health and Well-Being

I’ve talked about my struggle with my weight before. But it was beyond that. The more research I did doing, the more I learned that my overall health was not optimal. So, I had to make some significant, but simple changes. I started shifting my focus from my taste buds to my brain health. This did not happen overnight. It happened one decision at a time. Choosing healthy fats and veggies over pasta or getting my sugar from whole fruits instead of candy. The more I read, the more I understood how much damage inflammation does to the body and the brain. Since my grandmother passed away from Alzheimer’s, I also want to make sure I am all there mentally as I get older. Slowly, these new habits are taking root.

So, I encourage you to find what works for you and take your health seriously. The more you do the right things and the more you do them consistently, the more they turn into healthy habits. If I knew in my 20’s what I know today, I would be in phenomenal shape not only physically, but mentally. We are all different so the only thing I will say is start doing your research. Even if you are by and large healthy, there is a lot of new research out there. To help you get started, here are the top 5 books that have changed my approach to health:

1. Brain Grain – Dr. David Perlmutter
2. Genius Foods – Max Lugavere
3. Pegan Diet – Dr. Mark Hyman
4. The XX Brain – Dr. Lisa Mosconi
5. The Power of Habit – Charles Duhigg

Lesson no. 4: Live Your Truth and Be yourself

I’ve always felt obligated to be and behave a certain way. Whether it was because of how I was raised or because of the pressures that society puts on us. I was raised to believe that children are to be seen, not heard; that I should look with my eyes when I’m in a store; that there are certain acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. The good thing is that the older I get, the more comfortable I am in my own skin and the less I care!

When you choose to be yourself, regardless of what others think, it is liberating! You don’t hide behind a façade that ends up eating at you. You show up authentically in all your relationships. It’s important to make peace with the fact that you will not please everyone. You will most certainly repel some people, but you will also attract your tribe. You want to surround yourself with people who love you, believe in you and support you, not people who judge you for being less than what their idea of you is.

I know people who periodically take a break even from their family because of the toxicity of the relationships. When people evolve and change over time, it can be hard for those who don’t to accept the changes they see. While they do not want to sever ties completely, they also realize that to remain true to whom they are, they need to establish boundaries. Are there some boundaries you need to put in place so you can live authentically?

Lesson no. 5: Always Be Learning New Things

As humans, we strive to grow and learn. Growth is one of the 6 basic human needs. It keeps us grounded. It gives us milestones to celebrate. In the last 5 years, I have gone through a huge growth spurt and there are many benefits to learning new things:

1. It keeps your brain young and nimble
2. It keeps you honest and humble
3. It helps you to see the things you need to change

I encourage you to dedicate some time every day to learning. That can take any shape you want, reading, YouTube training, online course, speaking to a mentor. The idea is to absorb new information and challenge your view of the world. One of my favorite things to do now is to listen to health podcasts in the morning during my walk. I learn new things while doing good things for my body. Bonus!

Lesson no. 6: Be Grateful for What You Have and What You Go Through

Until recently, I was disappointed I went through a divorce. Then at one point, I started to be grateful because without it, I would not be who I am today. I would not have questioned who I was. I would not have introspected to understand my role in the divorce, which would not have led me to life changing books and finally to the loving relationship I am in now.

Every day, in my evening journal, I reflect on what I am grateful for. Today, I will likely be grateful for the words I was able to put on paper, the leftover chicken I had for lunch (from our uber yummy dinner last night) and the warmth of the sun on my skin. On Thursday, I was grateful for the amazing man I have in my life, for his kindness, his love, and his passion for life. 

When you take the time to be grateful, it fills our heart with joy. It reminds you that no matter what a crappy day you had, you can still be grateful for at least one thing: the air that you breathe. Gratitude is a powerful lens through which you can observe your life. It’s not about seeing life through rose colored glasses. Sometimes, no amount of pink can help. It’s about being able to find those small things that bring you joy; make you smile and bring your soul peace in the middle of the storm.

Lesson no. 7: Take Downtime to Be Inspired

We all need downtime. In French, we have an expression that literally translated is “having your nose in the handlebars”, and means being engrossed in your work. I believe there is a moment when being uber focused can become counterproductive. It is when we forgo anything else for the sake of work. We develop tunnel vision and we become incapable of measuring if we are doing the right things or not.  

Being at the Dior exhibit this weekend was a great reminder that having new and diverse experiences can bring a great deal of creativity and joy back into our lives. It’s important that we lift our head from what we are doing from time to time, so we can regroup, refresh, and reassess what we are doing. When was the last time you did something that expanded your horizons??

Final Thoughts

I absolutely loved the Dior exhibit! It got me back in touch with beauty and creativity. It reminded me that the road to happiness is not unidimensional, but most importantly, it made me realize that I AM happy. And the lessons I learned over the course of the last months have been invaluable.

I believe they can serve you as well as they have served me as you quest for your own happiness. The foundation for all these lessons is the need to take ownership of ourselves and hold ourselves accountable. By refusing to stay in undesirable conditions and by taking control of our health and well-being, we slowly grown into who we are supposed to be. Continuous learning and having an attitude of gratitude helps us to keep a positive outlook on life as we make the changes we want to make so we can become happier. And finally, let’s not forget to take some time to enjoy the life we are working so hard to build!

What are some of the lessons that have served you well on the pursuit of your happiness. Feel free to share in the comments, so we can celebrate you!