Rebuilding Your Life, One Habit at a Time: A Post-Divorce Roadmap

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I call shenanigans. 

When you come out of a divorce, you must learn new tricks! Your markers are gone. The future you'd imagine you'd have is gone. It's a perfect time to reassess how you want to run your life, especially if, like me, your married life ran you. I was on automatic pilot for a long time, doing the things I did because that's what I was supposed to do, or that was how I'd done stuff since getting married, and it was working OK, so why change, or worse, this was what was expected of me. It was time to break through those old limiting beliefs and create new habits to help me live my best life.

Creating new, empowering, and serving habits is a challenging task. It can be intimidating. We can feel ill-equipped. We can even feel like we'll never get there. I remember feeling like I was taking two steps forward and one step back. At other times, it was one step forward and two steps back! Today, I want to share a simple framework for creating these positive new habits, especially now that you're in a place where you have the beautiful and unique opportunity to re-create yourself and your life to be what you see in your mind's eye! 

Creating New Habits/Behaviors

There are two aspects to creating new habits: the Inner and Outer work. The Inner work is the more challenging aspect. It's about getting to know yourself deep inside. It's understanding your triggers. It's dismantling those old stories you created to help you cope and repeated to yourself so often that they became a part of your identity. If you've ever heard yourself say, "That's just how/who I am," let me reassure you that it isn't or doesn't have to be. You've chosen this, consciously or unconsciously, and you can change it anytime you decide you've had enough.

Let me give you an example. One of my deepest beliefs is that "food equals safety." When I moved to the US nearly 40 years ago, I found it challenging to adapt to my new life, so I used food to soothe myself and inadvertently created a habit of emotional eating. For the better part of my adult life, I ate when I was sad, bored, angry, happy, etc.… You name it, I ate to either soothe it or because there was cause for celebration.  

And I am still working to break that apart. Thankfully, I have an excellent and patient coach who allows me to move at my pace and has instilled a sense of safety in this work. The good news is I'm starting to 1. See what the belief is, 2. Change the story around it, and 3. Release it since it no longer serves me.

The Outer work is the tangible things we do, the habits we create, put in place, and aim to do consistently. Let me tell you, that's the easy part. You will only successfully implement something that lasts if you address your underlying beliefs.

But today, I want to focus on the Inner Work.

Starting Your Inner Work

Break out your journal; this is where it gets interesting… I would encourage you to do this exercise when you feel safe, your mind is at peace, and your body doesn't feel threatened. Maybe throwing on meditative music would help, as would dropping into your body to listen to what she tells you. 

1. You need to identify situations where you want to change your habitual response. For example, do you reach for chocolate when you feel uncomfortable? Do you lash out at your ex when he pushes your buttons? Do you retreat and avoid taking action when things get hard? 
   
   
2. Let's take the example of lashing out. Can you think back to when you started behaving this way? What were the triggers? What did you believe about yourself that made you react like that? Were you looking for a particular outcome, and was getting that outcome the reward for the behavior? 
   
   
3. Got it? OK. What story did you tell yourself? What did you believe about yourself or the situation that made it true? Now, can you replace your old story with a new one? Try this: If I told you that you can take your buttons off the table so you don't react but respond to your ex pushing your buttons, what would have to happen? What would have to shift? What new belief would you need to have about yourself to make that happen? Re-writing your old stories is a powerful way to change a behavior or habit. Those old stories have served you well in the past. They've protected you. But is that what you need right now as you endeavor to create a new life for yourself?
   
   
4. Now that you have a new story, what habits support you showing up in alignment with it? What should you do, think, and feel differently to support your new story? Try things out. Some things will feel aligned, and others won't. And that's OK.
   
   
5. Remember, this is a journey and a game of inches. Extend yourself grace and compassion. You'll start making subtle changes, assess, and see what works for you. If something doesn't work, you can change it. It's OK to make changes. This is about something other than being right; It's about doing something right for yourself. Being flexible and adaptable will get you much further than being hard on yourself. In fact, I can't remember a time when beating myself up has ever worked in my favor! I'm learning compassion helps make the changes last, making me feel better about the journey.
   
   

Final Words

Know this is more than just a one-and-done exercise. You may need to revisit this several times before you entirely change your narrative around it and can finally release it. In the example I gave above, it's been a couple of months of trust and work to begin to identify the story, and now start the work of letting it go.

This will take some courage, and you are stronger than you think. And I believe in you. You can do this. Do it for your peace of mind. Do it to create this big, bold, and fulfilling life you want!

If you'd like support in this journey, schedule a free 30-minute Reclaim Your Life Discovery call by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you and see how I can help!