Rediscovering Your Authentic Self After Separation

I saw my parents get divorced after 25 years of marriage, and I thought, “I’ll never do that. If I ever marry, it’ll be for life!” Little did I know that 20 years later, I would embark on the same journey. My former husband and I had been together ten years when we finally called it quits. We had bought a house together before marriage and built a business together, all while I worked full-time. I won’t bore you with the details, but even though I was the one who wanted the divorce, it didn’t make it any easier.

Challenges of a Separation

The challenges I was facing were grief and sadness at the loss of what was and what might have been. I didn’t know who I was. I was so invested in him, our relationship, and my work that there was little room left for me. I had to pay alimony, a financial burden I wasn’t expecting. I lost some friends. And I thought, “How long am I going to be alone this time?”

I was lost. I felt like a failure. It was like starting from scratch. And then, I had a vision. I remembered “Bionic Woman,” the 70s show with Lindsay Wagner, and the mantra “We can rebuild her better, faster, stronger.” While it would be difficult, I knew it was a unique opportunity to redesign my life according to my rules! But first, I had to heal.

Losing a relationship takes a toll. It has to be grieved. I went through the 7 stages: I mourned the loss of what was and of what might have been. Who knew if I would ever have children? Turns out, I never did… I was angry because I felt like my hand had been forced to make this decision, angry because I “never” felt heard, seen, or understood. I felt guilty because I knew I hurt him, and I never wanted to do that, and at the same time, relief because it was over.

And now for the good part!

This is where my rediscovery began. As it turns out, I loved being on my own. I started making new friends, exploring new hobbies, and slowly rebuilding my self-image because I had lost all confidence in myself. And this is how my personal development story started! After I was done with the “blame game,” I started reading relationship and personal development books. I knew I didn’t want to make the same mistakes I made. I went to personal development seminars, and slowly but surely, a new “Me” emerged. I felt a bit like a butterfly. I turned to mush in my cocoon and was ready to spread my wings!

Going through this journey was crucial in crafting my new identity, an identity that was congruent with who I was. Being married had caused me to lose a big part of myself, and I was determined to have fun putting myself back together.

I ended up crafting a personal blueprint, journaling, and reflecting on what went well and what I wanted to change. I learned about myself simply because I couldn’t run away from myself! I also started taking better care of myself emotionally, making sure I had boundaries to preserve my space.

I learned to catch my negative self-talk. I remember one time, I was giving myself a tongue-lashing, and I stopped dead in my tracks. I realized, ”OMG! I would never say this to my worst enemy.” And yet here I was, being vicious against myself! Having that moment of clarity was a game-changer for me. While I’m not 100% with the self-talk, I am significantly better than I used to be.

I am also fortunate to have had a strong group of friends who were there for me. They supported me. They listened to be b*tch. They offered words of reassurance. They helped me move for pizza and beer! And when I felt uncertain or I couldn’t believe in myself, I knew I could go to them for strength and reassurance.

Over time, I began embracing my new identity. It felt good, congruent, and authentic. It reminds me of the house my parents owned in CT. Every time they renovated, they found 3-5 layers of mistakes underneath. That’s how I felt! Like I was removing the different coats of paint that prevented the natural wood from shining through little by little. I loved this period of my life because I was having a blast as I was growing into this new person.

About a year after my divorce, I met the love of my life. He had also gone through his own PD journey, and we both felt very fortunate to find each other. And 12 years in, we not only love each other, but we still like each other! And that is because I learned from my past. I put into play the things I learned from reading the books and attending the seminars. And I promised myself I would never again make myself small. Whoever came into my life from here would either love the whole me or none of me. And he loves the whole me, quirks and neuroses included!

What's next?

I want to invite you on this journey—this journey of rediscovery—an adventure with an unknown ending, but one where your growth and re-defining of self will make for a something beautiful. Because you don’t have to go through this alone and I can tell you from my experience, it’s worth it. YOU are worth it!