Does Your Self-Talk Empower or Invalidate You?

The way you talk to yourself can have a significant impact on how you feel about yourself. Constantly putting yourself down or doubting your abilities can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, and a general lack of fulfillment. If you have a big dream of having a career change or trying new things to inject more passion or fulfillment into your life but continually talk yourself out of it, you miss opportunities. On the other hand, if you're regularly affirming your strengths and capabilities or keeping an open mind to possibilities without judgment but with curiosity, it can help you achieve your goals and make your dreams come true.

When I was 16, I started working and always worked for someone else, whether selling shoes, as a librarian, or in a lab. I spent 30 years of my so-far 31-year career in corporate. I started right after college and never considered doing anything else. Even my summer jobs, the last two years before graduation, were in corporate. My Dad also worked in corporate, albeit in a very creative career, and so did his father before him. In fact, I ended up in the same industry, so I had a huge emotional attachment to it. 

I always thought being an entrepreneur was simply not in the cards for me. It wasn't "in my blood,” even if that wasn't entirely true. I didn't consider my uncle in that equation, even though he was a major import/export player in the Caribbean. My immediate family was securely anchored in corporate. And today, I say "securely anchored" in quotations because we consistently only have the perceived reassurance of security with corporate. Being an entrepreneur always felt like it had too much unpredictability around it. And maybe it was true. Maybe my blood wasn't thick enough to leave corporate.

Then, I experienced two layoffs. Both times, it was my responsibility to let people go. The thing is, those weren't my first brush with lay-offs. A lay-off was why we relocated to Brazil in the early 80s after my Dad had been let go in a restructuring effort. Yet, in my mind, the corporate world was “safe." Over the years, however, it began to feel constrictive. I got to the point where I was just going through the motions, not performing to my usual high standard, and not feeling like I was making a difference. Truth be told, the stress and anxiety had me on the verge of burnout, and had I not left, I would have had a health episode. But, I still didn’t think entrepreneurship was for me! I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Rewind to 2011; I started diving into the world of personal development. It was a departure from my cynical younger days when I considered people who wanted to "be better"foolish for not being happy with who they were (even though, at the time, I wasn’t thrilled with who I was…). Then, in 2016 I got a coach who made a massive difference in my life, and I started taking ownership of myself and, most importantly, started understanding the impact of my self-talk. PD also re-awakened in me a desire I had begun to discover in the early 2000s; to help and serve others. It made me realize that there were other options than corporate and that I should open myself up to other possibilities. But, my inner saboteurs were talking: "that's not me!" (says who?), "I need that certainty" (how certain can corporate be when you just had to lay off three people?), "I'm not capable" (maybe not yet), and "how's my family going to react?" (who cares? It's my life, and my opinion is the only one that matters!)

My self-talk was not supportive, and I may never have made the change had I continued to listen to it. The bottom line is this. I'm not saying one must leave corporate for potentially greener pastures. What I am saying is that if we are not mindful of how we talk to ourselves, we automatically close doors that could lead to a bigger, brighter, and more fulfilling life! What I’m saying is if you feel unfulfilled, even though you are, by all standards, successful, maybe you deserve to explore where this is coming from and do something about it.

Think about the last time you failed at something or wanted to enter unknown territory. How did you react? Did you beat yourself up, telling yourself that you're an idiot, worthless, or, my personal favorite, "how could you be so stupid"? Or did you accept that it was just a setback and vow to learn from it? 

When you allow your minds to run amok, you give yourself permission to kill your dreams. Only when using empowering words do you begin to retake control of your life. But it's not the only danger. The way you talk to yourself can also affect your physical health. Research has shown that negative self-talk can lead to increased stress levels and poorer immune function. So if you want to be healthy, you must learn to speak kindly to yourself!

How Do You Empower Instead of Invalidating Yourself?

First, understand one thing: invalidating yourself with your self-talk is a form of verbal abuse. Be honest... Would you ever talk to a friend the way you speak to yourself? One day, I was listening to myself when I was on yet another tirade, and what I was saying stopped me dead mid-sentence. "I would never talk to my worst enemy this way...! Why is it OK to talk to me that way?" When I started paying attention to my words, I realized how mean I was! So practice a little self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would give to a friend, and stop verbally abusing yourself.

In my mind, there are three steps you can follow to start changing your self-talk, so you start making better decisions and showing up big instead of playing small.

Step 1: Pay Attention

Our brain likes predictability. Over the years, our negative thoughts have created ruts in our neural pathways. It simply loves patterns because patterns are predictable. So to get out of the rut, you have to neutralize the patterns and quiet the noise. The funny thing is that we think our minds are all-powerful, and together with our negative self-talk, it is nothing more than the little yappy dog you want to (in your mind) kick across the room (no animals were harmed in the writing of this sentence).

When we move about our day mindlessly, we open the door to our brain taking the reins. So the sequence that has worked well for me for taking back control is the following: 

1. Notice what you are saying to yourself and how that makes you feel. 
2. Understand where those thoughts are coming from. What baggage are you carrying from your past that is prompting your brain to get into that negative rut? 
3. Accept that you have some work to do and that the process doesn't happen overnight. You may have to dig deeper to understand and forgive before making a change. And 
4. Now that you know do better. Learn to regulate your emotions, so you no longer get highjacked.

Step 2: Choose the Road Less Traveled

As we learn to pay attention to how we talk to ourselves, we can listen for some common themes. Some big ones are judgment, self-criticism, and invalidation. Only once we become aware can we choose to take a different path. 

What's a surefire sign that you're about to say something invalidating yourself? Using words like "I just need to..." or "I should..." generally is followed by some invalidation statement. To give you a practical example, if you're on a health journey, how many times have you thought, "I really just need to eat more vegetables,” or "I should just exercise more consistently. When we use the word “just," we imply that if we only did just a little bit more, or we tried harder, we'd get there! 

Instead of pushing, pushing, pushing, extend yourself some grace. Accept that you are doing the best you can, and again when you know better, do better. Otherwise, you’re choosing the status quo.

Step 3: Ask Yourself Questions

Here are a couple of good questions to ask yourself:

• How are these emotions/these words serving me?
• Are these thoughts helpful?
• What is a better question I could ask?

You don't have to believe everything you think. However, we're so conditioned to accept what we think that we seldom think to question if our thoughts are valid and whether they are helping or hindering us.

Conclusion

Learning to talk to yourself more positively will take time and practice. We’re so accustomed to berating and invalidating ourselves that we don’t realize the damage we are doing and that we keep ourselves living comfortably in the uncomfortable. 

Let me remind you; upgrading your self-talk is oh-so-worth it! Treating yourself with kindness and respect will be reflected in all areas of your life, and you can start to envision a different chapter for your life, one where you can leave the mark you desire.

So, use your self-talk as a force for good!