7 Steps to Taking Your Power Back

Do you get angry when people say certain things and lash out? Do you feel frustrated when things don’t go your way? Do you dwell on the negative emotions and struggle to find a way out?

I spoke with a young lady this week who has a habit of letting her emotions get in the way and who struggles with every one of the questions above. She has had a difficult childhood and instead of managing herself, she loses all self-control, and reacts in the moment. She is living her life as a passenger, instead of being behind the wheel.

Emotions are there for a reason. For example, they can alert us to potential dangers. But, going down the rabbit hole of reaction vs. response doesn’t do us any favors. When we let our emotions wins, we are easily manipulated, so it is important to be aware of our triggers and monitor them closely so are better able to self-regulate. Taking control of our emotions by not letting others get the best of us is transformative. We can enjoy life much more when we make conscious choices rather than allowing ourselves to “self-destruct”.

So how do you do that? Here are 7 simple, though not always easy, steps to follow:

Identify and List Your Triggers

The first step in identifying your triggers is paying attention to any situation that gives rise to a strong emotional reaction. It can be a word, a phrase someone uses, a behavior or even a someone’s simple presence. If you can recognize what causes your reaction, you can prepare yourself before it happens by implementing specific coping strategies.

It can be hard to stop and self-reflect in the moment, but what's important is that we recognize there is a trigger, and that we need an outlet for it. This self-awareness takes control away from outside forces (and triggers) and puts it back into your own hands, where it belongs.

So, take the time to understand what triggers and make a list. For each item on your list, ask yourself why you have such a strong reaction when this person does this specific thing or when you are in this specific situation. It is important to note that your triggers are not the problem, it's what you do with them. You can choose to either be self-aware or self-destructive when faced with a trigger.

When you choose self-awareness, that means you now have the power to deal with your trigger. Once we become aware, especially for a negative feeling or emotion and what is brings us, it’s like shining a spotlight. It becomes difficult to ignore and we can begin to work on different ways we can rid ourselves of it.

You can also choose self-destructivity. Emotions like anger and self-pity can quickly take over if we allow ourselves to simply give in to them and they often breed regret. They can also lead to self-sabotaging behaviors such as self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, self-harming or acting up.

Pay Attention to What is Happening Inside You

If something someone says or does triggers your feelings, it's time to start paying attention to what is going on inside of you. When you feel an emotion coming on, try to see where that feeling lives in your body and give it a name.

Say, for example, someone does something that really irritates you and you feel yourself getting angry. Pay attention to your body and what it is doing. Notice the little things like how fast your heart is beating, where in your body you are feeling the tension (e.g.: neck, jaw, stomach) and whether or not you can feel your breath moving throughout your body.

Noticing this might take anywhere between 20 seconds to a minute, and that's okay. The more you do it, the better at it you become. You are learning about yourself by doing this and it will help you take back control when facing future upsetting situations so, be patient with yourself. When you are conscious of an emotion as it is happening, you can start to learn what causes it and how to deal with it in a more productive manner. And try not to judge. Simply observe what is happening.

When You Take Ownership of Your (Re)Actions

You can reduce your response to a trigger by managing your emotions, so you don’t feel out of control when faced with difficult situations. With practice, taking that ownership will help you take back your power. It is like switching on a light when you feel your emotions start to take over. It’s about making conscious choices instead of letting yourself be carried away by feelings.

While you may not be able to control the situations in your life, you can always control how you respond. When you take responsibility for yourself, you can make different choices. Shooting from the hip isn’t always a good option. In fact, when you are in a state of heightened emotions, it is never the right approach.

Manage Your Emotions Instead of Letting Them Manage You

When learning to manage your emotions, it's important that you practice taking by small steps. It's like working out at the gym. When you first start your muscle are weak, but the more you practice and the bigger challenges you take on, the stronger you get. It might be a good idea to practice on areas of your life which are not crisis situations. For example, if you are an emotional eater, instead of giving in next time you feel stressed, under pressure or bored, do something different instead. There are so many options you can choose from: go for a walk, listen to a piece of music appropriate for that moment, call a friend or meditate. Find a way to distract yourself. The more you do it, the more naturally it will come.

When you find yourself in a situation where you are getting triggered, follow these simple steps:

1. Don’t engage. If you can walk away, do so. It is perfectly OK to say to someone “I can feel this is emotionally charged for me right now. I need to walk away and calm down.” And just walk away. If they want to continue the conversation, ignore them and if you have to get in a car to drive somewhere, that’s OK too.
2. Taking deep breaths is one of the quickest and most effective weapons in your arsenal to take back control of our emotions. I recommend starting with 10 deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth (if it makes you feel dizzy sit down!) and with every breath, try to slow your intake and your output. You’ll start to feel you heart slowing down and you will become calmer.
3. Realize you are in control and can choose how you respond. If you have already been flexing your self-control muscle and you choose to stay engaged, you can continue the conversation, while removing as much of the emotion from the equation as possible.
4. Have you heard the saying “hurt people, hurt people”? Extend people (and yourself) some grace and put yourself in their shoes. We all as humans are doing the best that we can.

Journaling Is a Powerful Tool

When you are self-aware, managing yourself becomes easier. It’s important to figure out what triggered the emotion in order to avoid future ocurrences. After every encounter with these triggers, evaluate and reflect on your performance. What happened before the situation started? What was I doing at that time? How did it make me feel? Am I still feeling this way? And if so, why do I think I’m feeling this way? Did I notice any self-defeating thought pattern? Was I self-regulating as much as possible or were the emotions too strong to manage? Only you can answer those questions.

Journaling on these questions makes room for self-examination and self-reflection without the judgement of others. Once you start to understand what triggers certain emotions, you can begin to self-soothe and regulate more easily.

This is an on-going process. Try to journal daily and if not daily, anytime you find yourself in a triggering situation. That way, you’ll learn more about why you are getting triggered and proactively work on some coping mechanisms unique to you and your mindset.

Release Toxic People From Your Life

Toxic people are only interested in one thing: themselves. They are the first to point the finger at others without looking at themselves. Most of all they make it about their feelings, never taking responsibility for anything that happens in their lives or how they contribute to it.

They often have no boundaries and usually don’t care about yours either. If you are spending time with them, they will not self-monitor or regulate their behavior when it comes to you.

Sometimes, these people are family, so it can be very difficult to release them. But you still have options. You can dictate how much time you spend with them. You can put some distance between each other, so you see each other or talk less often, giving you ample room in between to recover and get stronger. You can follow steps 1 and 2 listed above, when and if, even despite your best efforts, you get triggered when you are with them.

Decide How You Want to Show Up

When we have to make a choice between two courses of action, knowing our end goal makes it much easier to make the decision. You can quickly see which option will get you closer to your goal and which is not in alignment with what you’re trying to do.

One of the best ways to take your power back is to decide who you want to be. You can take a look at your life and decide this version of you isn’t serving you. You can then decide who you want to be and define a plan to grow into that.

When you start showing up differently and no longer allow others to trigger you, you experience less stress, become more confident and solid in your interactions with others. Once you’ve set some standards for what you will accept and tolerate, behaving in a way that is congruent with that become much easier. You don’t have to decide on the moment how you want to show up because you already know what that looks like.

Final thoughts

By understanding your emotions, knowing what triggers them, taking ownership of how you are reacting to external stimuli and deciding on a course of action that moves you forward towards your goals, you can take your power back.

It starts by paying attention to how other people make you feel. As soon as you begin to self-regulate by distancing yourself, monitoring and managing your emotions, you begin taking back the reins of your life from those who would have otherwise been in control.

You can’t change your childhood or what happened to you, but you can control how you perceive what happened. You can re-write your story to serve you instead of hurt you, especially when it comes to how you react in the moment. Most of all, remember that you are unique because no one has walked in your shoes; therefore, no two people will respond exactly alike when they face similar challenges. Start looking within yourself and learn more about who you are.

How will you take your self-management to the next level so you can get closer to mastery and self-actualization? Let me know in the comments! I'd love to hear from you!