How to Spot Toxic People and Keep Them at Bay

Toxic people. There's no doubt they are everywhere. You might have one in your family, at work, or even as a friend. Toxic people are energy vampires who drain you emotionally and leave you feeling exhausted. They are often negative, critical, and judgmental. And worst of all, they can be manipulative and controlling.

I was once married to a narcissist. He was the center of his universe and he also happened to be the center of mine! They say love is blind, and in my case it was true. Love blinded me so much that I didn't notice the patterns until we were well into our marriage. When I did and I started showing up for myself, everything started going downhill. He didn't like that I wasn't simply acquiescing to his wishes and I became resentful and felt taken advantage of. My walk-away point was realizing (in the middle of an argument), that I didn't like who I was when I was with him. That flipped a switch inside me and thus began my journey of self-discovery.

Had I been more aware, had I been able to recognize the signs, things would have turned out rather differently. At the same time, I am grateful for the experience because it made me who I am today.

This week, I want to shed some light on the different types of toxic people you might come in contact with and give you some tips for how to protect yourself when faced with such a person.

7 Different Types of Toxic People

They become easy to spot once you know who they are:

•  The Debbie Downer - Do you remember that skit from SNL about Debbie Downer? She was always negative, expecting the worst, and couldn't find one good thing about anything. It felt like the world was on the verge of collapse whenever people hung out with her. There was always something to complain about. I've worked with people like that time and time again in my career and they are exhausting! They leave you feeling drained and in need of a strong cup of Joe!
•  The Master Manipulator - The name says it all. They are manipulative and controlling. They twist facts and information every which way they can to get you to do something. When people have a negative connotation to the words "influence" and "persuasion", it is because they have come in contact with someone who’s tried to manipulate them and it's left a bitter taste in their mouths. A Master Manipulator will do and say things to get you to do something that benefits them, whereas someone who is looking to influence or persuade you will do so because it is in YOUR best interest.
•  The Narcissist - As discussed above, they are self-centered and always put their own needs first. There is a saying in French that goes like this: "Après moi, le déluge". It translates into "After me, let the floods come". They are the me-firsts of the world, more likely to cut in line, more likely to boast about their successes, but from arrogant energy, not to uplift others to strive and succeed too. Their main focus is their own belly button and how to show they are simply "the best".
•  The Anger Monger - They are unpredictable and often act out in anger. Is there someone in your circle whom you find yourself walking on eggshells around because you know that anything can set them off? They generate a lot of anxiety around them. They have little to no self-control and they take everything so personally, that you're almost afraid to open your mouth.
•  The Bully - These people are hurting so much that the only way they can make themselves feel better is by making other people feel bad. They always find just the right hurtful thing to say or do to hurt others and they relish in making other people’s loves miserable. But we all know, all they do is try to hide their insecurities and perceived deficiencies.
•  The Drama Queen/King - They make mountains out of molehills. Chaos surrounds them and everywhere they do. They take everything to the extreme. They cannot imagine their life without drama because drama is all they know and it keeps everyone's focus on them.
•  The Gaslighter - They make you question your reality and wonder if maybe you’re overreacting… They minimize what you're going through and try to manipulate the narrative, telling you that you are imagining things, even when they're the very person who is causing you issues.

If you're "lucky", you only have one of these people in your circle. Chances are though that you either have more than one or that you have one person who encompasses more than one of the above.

So let's look at what you can do to protect yourself.

Self-Preservation Tips

So, imagine you are going to your next family dinner. You know the one I'm talking about. It's that dinner where "Uncle Larry" invariably causes drama and leaves you feeling unnerved. If you're stuck having to deal with him, here are some things you can do to protect yourself.

Recognizing the type of person you are dealing with will help to understand where they are coming from and the types of "demons" they are wrestling with. When we remember that hurt people hurt people, it is easier to find a little compassion in our hearts and some grace for dealing with them. That doesn't mean you should be a doormat. On the contrary. Toxic people do not know when to stop and will push and push until the breaking point. So it's important to stand your ground and establish boundaries that work for you

One of those boundaries is distance. Your time, your mental health, and your well-being are your priority. Even when it's family, there is nothing that says you need to spend time with toxic people. It's exhausting and it isn't any fun. It's like going to a fair on a hot summer day and getting on the Gravitron. It's kinda OK in the beginning, but then you start turning green once things really get going, and let’s not talk both what happens when the Gravitron starts to tilt! There's no reason to put yourself in this position.

If you must spend time with them, set some rules for yourself. Having those will help you be clear about what you will tolerate and will not tolerate. And if you have to walk away, that's OK. Give yourself that gift. Yes, there will be times when together time is unavoidable, but you'll find that when you're able to take an extended break, you can recharge your batteries and spend time with them without losing your mind because you gave yourself time away from the chaos that usually ensues. Your nerves are not as raw and you're less willing to engage in arguments with them.

One of the things toxic people do very well is set bait and hook you in. But the good news is, you don't have to buy into the argument. You know you won't change their mind and they won't change yours. They will just continue to push your buttons. The solution? Take your buttons off the table. Be the grown-up, mature individual and let it be like water off a duck's back.

When you are finished spending time with them, make sure you set some time aside to release any feelings that might have come up. Maybe taking a bath or a long walk is a good way to let it go. Find what works for you and take some time to take care of yourself so you can properly recover.

Unfortunately, it’s not only at home that we have to deal with toxic people. If you encounter them at work, the process and the steps are the same. You just might have to document more, if for no other reason than to have absolute clarity about the dynamic of the relationship and the steps you are taking to resolve it.

If you can, avoid them altogether. If that's not possible, try to limit your interactions as much as possible. Be clear about what your walk-away point is. Ask yourself, What is the line not to be crossed and what action will I take when it is crossed. I'm not necessarily talking about leaving your job, though it may come to that, just determine when you walk away from a discussion that has reached a dead end.

A lot of times when we're at work, we have to put up with things we wouldn't normally tolerate because it's our job. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with unacceptable behavior from anyone, even if they are your boss.

Remember that your mental and physical health are more important than any job. So don't be afraid to do what's best for you.

Conclusion

It seems toxicity is everywhere these days. It is present in our environment and in the people who surround us. They can be family members, colleagues, and sometimes even amongst our friend groups. Learning to identify them is the first step in protecting yourself from their negative influence.

How have you managed your own toxic relationships? Please share with us, so we can all learn from each other.