Triggered? Here’s What You Can Do

“What the heck was that all about…?”

That’s the question I asked myself when a friend I was spending time with said something that triggered me. I couldn't figure out why it was happening, but I knew I didn’t like the feeling. My friend is a very nice person, and my reaction was disproportionately frustrated. So, what happened? I lashed out because we were talking about a topic which is not only difficult for me, but also one that I haven’t fully resolved. I reacted instead of responding in a calm, non-emotional way.

When I was thinking about it later, with a calmer head, I realized these feelings came up because there is something buried inside me that I don’t want to deal with, and I am not sure what it is. Interestingly enough, I reached out to a friend of mine who is a trauma coach this week and I asked her to work with me so I can address this issue and put it to bed once and for all. I am exceedingly lucky that she agreed, and we start next week!

Now I also want to acknowledge there are times where getting triggered is actually a good thing. If we are in a situation where someone says or does something that crosses our boundaries, anger is a perfectly appropriate response. When women are in an abusive situation, getting triggered is a sign that something is wrong and that they need to do something to protect themselves. But I’m talking more about situations like reacting negatively to something as simple as getting diet advice when you are overweight and trying and failing to make long-term changes.

I did some research on how I can better deal next time I am triggered and I found a few strategies which I believe could work.

Recognize Your Own Insecurity

Let’s start by asking what is a trigger? Psychologically, it is when we re-experience a past injury in the present time –– similar to a post-traumatic stress reaction (Psychology Today). I liken it to an old wound; one we haven’t healed yet. A wound that hasn’t even grown a scab, much less become a scar. When a wound is healing and forms a scab, it can still be tender. Then if you pick at the scab, it starts bleeding all over again. When we get triggered, it is an opportunity to heal ourselves.

That’s what happened last night. I felt triggered because I’ve been carrying this unresolved issue around for a long time. I know where it’s coming from, but I am frustrated with myself that I haven’t figured out how to deal with it yet. It is deeply rooted within me. But they don’t know that. In their attempt to be helpful, it shined a light on my own insecurity and brought up those feelings of inadequacy  to the surface and that’s why I reacted. They unwittingly picked at the scab and my wound started bleeding all over again. It put my nose in the fact that I don’t feel like I am measuring up to my family’s belief about what I should look like and made me feel not only frustrated that I haven’t dealt with it, but also ashamed that I’m not measuring up. Do you ever get that feeling?

Recognizing the trigger is the first step to healing it.

Meditate & Breathe

I talk about meditation a lot. I rationally know the benefits. I understand it’s not about my mind going silent, but about letting go of my thoughts and being in the moment and detaching from any outcome. But I can also use meditation to put a question or a thought out to the Universe and open myself up to listening to what comes back.

I also can be better at breathing through situations that trigger me. A client of mine uses a breathing tactic I haven’t used yet, which he calls “quarter breathing” when he feels himself getting hot under the collar. He breathes in for 4 seconds, holds for 4, exhales for 4 and finally holds for 4. When I recognize myself getting triggered, I can take a step back and do this simple breathing exercise. He speaks of how well it works for him, so there is no reason why, with practice, it couldn’t work for me.

Ask Better Questions

The question at the top of the page is a great one to ask. “What was that all about?” opens the door for exploration. It’s not necessarily a pleasant journey. Sometimes, I go down the rabbit hole and it hurts. It feels bad and honestly, it sucks. But it’s exactly why it’s important to go there. I know that until I resolve this issue, I could be at the mercy of my reactions even if I can control it nine times out of ten. I do not want that. I want to put it to bed, so I can have a conversation without wondering if my old wound is going to rear its ugly head.

As a coach, I rarely ask “why” questions. They can come across as accusatory and let’s face it; coaching is not therapy. I’m not trained to help my clients deal with past traumas. My competency lies in keeping them moving forward. But when it comes to my own inner work. There’s an exercise I love called the “Ask Why Seven Times Exercise”. When we try to understand what is happening by asking ourselves why, our first one or two reasons are going to be “surface” answers. Asking “why” seven or more times gets you to think beyond the surface and finally get to the core of the reasons. Once you know that, the healing can begin.

In addition to asking “why”, I also ask what from my past is causing me to get triggered, what the meaning I have assigned to this situation is, whether or not it is 100% unequivocally true or if there could be a completely different explanation.

This can be done very effectively as a part of my journaling practice. Writing can be incredibly cathartic and help with having epiphanies.

Apologize For the Outburst

I owned my reaction. I apologized. See, there’s a downside to not dealing with our stuff. One, negative reactions and emotions have the potential to creep out at any time and we can jump down someone’s throat who could be very well just trying to help. Two, we are in a constant state of vigilance, whether or not we realize we are. Three, we don’t heal and move on.

Taking ownership for ourselves and our reactions will help to manage our relationships as we work through our stuff and heal from the traumas.

Final Thoughts

My aim for this article was to share a process we can use when we recognize ourselves getting triggered.

I know that if I can identify my triggers and deal with them immediately, I can live more joyfully and be a lot less stressed. If I know where my issue is coming from, I don’t have to take things so personally and can focus on the positive around me.

How about you? How do you manage when you get triggered?