Unshakeable Confidence: Standing Strong in Your Relationship

I used to think that to be in a successful relationship, I had to hide or minimize parts of myself to make myself more acceptable. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no. I became a chameleon who adapted to whatever my husband wanted. So what happened? I forgot who I was.

But here's what I've discovered after doing my work and vowing to avoid making the same mistakes. Confidence comes from being myself. It comes from being authentic to who I am and free to express my thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. I didn't know it at the time, but my divorce was the "permission" I needed to rediscover who I was, craft a new identity for myself. 

I am now in a 12-year relationship where I get to be me! I don't have to pretend. We work because we're different. We love each other because we're different. We appreciate each other's uniqueness and quirks. Nobody wants to be married to a mini-me unless they're narcissistic, and that's a whole other discussion!

I'd like to share five things I learned and put into play in my new own relationship, to help build your confidence so you can stand strong in your relationship. It's time you took your power back, and became the partner you were always meant to be.

Idea #1 - Know Your Worth

Even though I married in my 30s, I had very little experience being in relationships. My relationship role model was my Mom, who devoted herself to my Dad and us kids. I knew I brought good things to the party, but when those things conflicted with my husband's, I self-effaced. Knowing who you are enables you to show up more confidently.

What to do: Hold on to yourself and your values outside the relationship and know what you bring to the partnership: your uniqueness, what makes you awesome, and where you support your partner with your strengths.

Idea #2 - Communicate Clearly and Openly

My Dad was a yeller, and I grew up not voicing dissenting opinions because I wanted to keep the peace. So, as I got older, I kept things inside. I bottled feelings and thoughts, which is clearly not a recipe for success. Your confidence grows when you can freely express your thoughts, regardless of how they are received.

What to do: Share your feelings, thoughts, needs, and wants clearly and openly. When you talk, you can address issues before they mushroom into something bigger, which helps build understanding and trust between you and your partner.

Idea #3 - Don't Forget to DO YOU

Chances are, you got together partly because your differences make you stronger and keep the excitement strong. I was bored in my previous relationship. We seldom went out, and when we did, we did things he wanted. I didn't go out with my girls or do the things I loved nearly enough. I learned that making myself happy enables me to feel more confident.

What to do: Continue pursuing your own interests and friendships so your sole source of fulfillment and happiness isn't your partner. That will strengthen your relationship and not put undue pressure on them by making them the sole reason for your happiness! When you keep that sense of independence, you maintain a balanced relationship and a stronger sense of self.

Idea #4 - Set & Respect Boundaries

Not only did I have few boundaries, but I also could have been better at keeping myself or my partner accountable. That contributed to my self-doubt.

What to do: Establish clear boundaries, not just for your partner, but for yourself too. And once you have them in place, don't waffle. That only creates uncertainty and destabilizes the relationship. If you're not used to doing that, it'll take some courage, but the more you do it, the easier it gets, and you'll find it promotes mutual respect and security.

Idea #5 - Keep Growing

There is always room for improvement. An unavoidable part of life is change. When things change, it is an opportunity for us to learn something new or deepen our existing skills, and when we get better at something, our confidence grows.

What to do: Pick you that hobby you've always wanted to try. Not good at communication? There are oodles of books out there. If you are trying to figure out this relationship thing, I highly recommend reading the 5 Love Languages. This book was a game-changer for me!

Final Words

There are many ways to stand strong in your relationship, and today: Knowing your worth, Communicating clearly and openly, Not forgetting yourself in the relationship, Establishing boundaries, and Staying the course with your personal development .

If you're coming out of a divorce and are looking for a supportive community, I invite you to join my FB group, "Brave New You." We'd love to have you!