What I Learned From My Divorce

I was taken aback by how blue and smiling his eyes were. When we saw each other across the room for the first time I was smitten. Everything moved so fast from there. We dated, moved in together and a little over a year later, we walked down the aisle with promises of everlasting love.

When it came to relationships, I had two different role models: my parents who divorced after 25 years or so of marriage and his parents who had been together since the beginning of time. Even though I was 30 when we married, my own experience with relationships was not enough to prepare me for what being married entailed and his was such that once we were married, it was a no-brainer that we would be together no matter what. My main shortcoming was my inability to communicate. When we argued, I would give him the silent treatment or we would yell at each other which would lead me to shut down. Long story short, 10 years later, I found myself divorced and beginning a new phase of my life.

After finding myself single, I did a lot of soul searching. During that time of self-reflection, I found the world of personal development (Yes, I’m a late bloomer). Once I was done blaming him for everything that went wrong in our relationship, I started looking into how I could do better the next time around and came upon two authors who completely changed how I was going to approach future relationships.

5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Did you know we use 5 love languages to communicate with each other? It doesn’t only apply with romantic relationships, but anytime we interact with others. The 5 languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• For people whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, it is important to be complimented, give them a card, send them a text. It’s all about verbalizing the different things you love about them and what they do and from time to time doing so in front of other people
• Gifts
• These people love getting and receiving gifts. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it does need to be thoughtful. It can be as simple as a single flower or something you picked up because it reminded you of them
• Acts of Service
• They love for people to do something for them, especially, if it's something they hate doing. So be creative, do they hate doing dishes or taking out the trash, go for it! You'll make their day for sure
• Physical Touch
• It’s not only about sex (although that counts for sure!) It’s holding hands, rubbing their back as you’re walking next to each other, running your fingers through their hair or putting your hand on their neck when they’re driving (no distractions though!) Anything where you are physically touching each other
• Quality Time
• All they want is your attention. When you’re together, BE together, be present. Don’t look at your phone or listen to other people's conversations. Be engaged and in the moment, so they feel they are the most important person in your world

Did you also know that we show how we love others by using our own love language? So, if I value Physical Touch above all others, I am going to show my affection through physical touch. But what happens, as it did with my ex-husband, when physical touch is your partner's least important love language and Gifts is their most important? In our case, as with many others, we simply did not know how to show our love to each other. Our attempts felt like ships passing in the night. How I demonstrated love did not resonate with him and vice versa. If I had the knowledge that I have today, we could have, at the very least, been able to communicate our love for each other. Understanding what our own love language is a step in the right direction, but understanding your partner’s is a game changer. Curious to find out what you languages are? You can take the test by clicking here.

The Keys to the Kingdom and The Queen’s Code by Alison Armstrong

A good friend of mine did a lot of work with masculine and feminine energies. I learned that we all have both energies within us, use one more naturally than the other and that it has nothing to do with gender. There are women who have a strong masculine energy and men who have a strong feminine energy. As I was curious to learn more, she recommended the above two books.

Keys to the Kingdom takes the reader through the different stages of a man’s life development through a story of friendship and love while The Queen’s Code helps women interpret and navigate men’s behaviors. It was eye opening for me. I thought I was doing all the right things, but I may have inadvertently been driving him away.

When I read the two books, I discovered just how big a role I played in the demise of my marriage. I loved showing up in my feminine energy; emotional, empathic, nurturing, trusting, caring, but I didn’t feel safe doing so because I didn't think my family would be provided for. So as my marriage went on, I started to display more masculine traits and occupying the space I was expecting my ex to occupy. It was a complete role reversal. This, in combination with not knowing my love languages, spelled T.H.E. E.N.D.

Final words

After the end of a relationship, self-exploration is key to learning and avoiding making the same mistakes again. This can include knowing your own and your partner’s love languages as well as understanding what stage of development your partner is in. Communication should be tailored accordingly, and it's also important to know that using your partner's own love languages, especially when they are different from yours is one of the keys to success.

What have you learned from failed relationships? Please share below, so we may all learn from each other’s missteps and show up as a better version of ourselves with our next relationship. A year after my divorce, I met someone new and implemented the new things I shared here and while it's not always champagne and roses, we continue to be strongly committed to each other after 9 years! I’d call that a win!